CHICAGO, IL — Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot lost her bid for reelection this week in what Lightfoot and other critics are calling a blatant example of the rampant murderphobia that still exists among residents of the city.
BEIJING — Following yet another pile of evidence suggesting coronavirus escaped from a lab in Wuhan, the remorseful Republic of China tried sending over another “We’re Sorry For Creating COVID” balloon to their friends in America.
CHICAGO, IL — After suffering a humiliating defeat in Chicago’s mayoral election, Lori Lightfoot blamed her stunning loss on “those tricksy hobbitses.”
U.S. — To avoid any future delays in sending billions of taxpayer dollars and deadly weapons to Ukraine, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen has decided to make things easier and give President Zelensky the key to the U.S. Treasury.
SPENCER, NE — Local man Ryan Lewis rushed to Amazon to award a 5-star review to the random fantasy novel he picked up from a local thrift store when he discovered that it didn’t just have a fantasy map — it had a fantasy map that folds out.
PORTLAND, OR — A local man who recently completed his transition to living as if he were a woman immediately regretted his decision to do so after seeing the line for the ladies’ room at a large public event last night.
GEORGIA — After hearing that a black bear did epic amounts of cocaine somewhere in the forests of Georgia, Hunter Biden quickly gathered his camping gear and started driving south.
LEWISVILLE, TX — In a move privacy advocates are hailing as historic, Texas’s state legislature has passed a batch of new laws allowing civilians to shoot Google Maps camera cars on sight.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to several unnamed sources, Dr. Anthony Fauci has grown increasingly irritated as China appears to be getting blamed for creating COVID-19 — an accomplishment for which Fauci believes he deserves at least partial credit.
ANAHEIM, CA — The Southland was turned upside down this week as an unexpected weather pattern left the region blanketed by what experts were only able to call “massive amounts of Global Warming.” Residents were told to remain indoors to avoid making direct contact with the Global Warming.
CARROLLTON, TX — A local church announced the launch of a new campaign this week to attain a 5-star rating on Yelp by installing often-requested USB-C charging ports in each pew.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning development, the White House has announced that all claims that had previously been dismissed as “conspiracy theories” are, in fact, true, with the one exception of the claim that Joe Biden stole the 2020 Presidential Election.
NEW JERUSALEM — Reports coming down from on high confirm Heaven will feature a fully stocked Buc-ee’s convenience store and gas station. Saints will be able to fill up on delicious Beaver Nuggets and brisket sandwiches before evacuating their heavenly bowels in the world-famous restrooms.
U.S. — As more and more families are hit by inflation under the Biden administration, experts are reporting that millions of Americans are turning to Costco samples as their primary source of sustenance.
BISMARCK, ND — According to sources, local man and news connoisseur Dave Rorsh has begun keeping track of the daily news by just looking up 2-year-old posts on obscure conspiracy theory blogs.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After acknowledging reports from the FBI and the Department of Energy confirming COVID-19 originated from a lab in Wuhan, China, President Biden issued harsh condemnation for President Biden’s racist and xenophobic accusations based on outrageously slanderous facts and data.
BETHESDA, MD — Senator Gisele Fetterman of Pennsylvania has asked for thoughts and prayers as her husband undergoes treatment for an undisclosed amount of time for an undisclosed illness in an undisclosed location at Walter Reed Medical Center.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Due to the overwhelming popularity of the film Cocaine Bear, movie studio executives and producers announced they have already green-lighted a sequel — an emotional, psychological film reportedly titled Rehab Bear.
FORT WORTH, TX — A hotel located just outside the historic Fort Worth Stockyards is now serving breakfast during the reasonable times of 4:57 to 5:03, which hotel management advertises as “reasonable.”
LAKE CHARLES, LA — During a recent church service, local man Mick Cowlick found himself in an awkward position when he kept bowing his head, then peeking up to see if the Pastor was praying or preaching.
ATLANTA, GA — A United Airlines plane tragically exploded into a massive fireball during takeoff after the man sitting in seat 23F failed to switch his phone to airplane mode, FAA authorities confirmed Friday.
EAST PALESTINE, OH — In a bizarre development, turtles around Ohio have reportedly been spotted hanging around pizza parlors and practicing a wide variety of martial arts.
FLATWOODS, KY — The Joneses, a local family of five that can no longer afford to buy groceries, is taking comfort in the inspiring knowledge that the Biden Administration is more diverse than any administration in history.
The Lenten season is upon us! Across America, people are giving things up for the next 40 days in preparation for Easter. Check out what the most common choice was for every state:
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT