If you have never had the incredible joy of experiencing life alongside man’s best friend, there is so much you are missing out on! Here are ten amazing reasons to bring home a dog today:
JESUP, GA — This news outlet has received multiple reports that Keith Vance, a so-called man, actually posted a Facebook story, even though everyone knows Facebook stories are clearly for girls and real men steer clear of such sissy nonsense.
WAUKESHA, WI — During fellowship time for their weekly Bible Study, local man Charlie Rodriguez pulled his wife into an emergency conference to recover the name of a woman they had met only 15 seconds ago.
SANTEE, CA — According to church elders, member Dylan Behrens absolutely nailed the pitch pipe solo while performing song leader duties Sunday. The veteran song leader approached the pulpit with his Sacred Selections hymn book in hand and then proceeded to shred the pitch pipe for 5 seconds.
CHATTANOOGA, TN — Surprising results from a recent study have conclusively shown that just 0.01% of all trail mix is actually eaten by people while they are on a trail. Researchers were eager to learn more about the demographics of the people consuming the trail mix and the activities they participate in while doing so.
GOSHEN, IN — According to sources, 8-year-old Kylee Carmen is being tucked into bed by her exhausted mother, but needs a few things before she can go to sleep. The first is a glass of water in her favorite princess cup, and the second is a satisfactory explanation for why we can still call God […]
LOS ANGELES, CA — According to inside sources, comedian Jimmy Kimmel is currently running tonight’s Jimmy Kimmel Live! jokes by CCP President Xi for approval, as is his daily custom.
ONTARIO, CA — A local man was eager to rock out alone in his car while blasting the epic soundtrack from the film The Greatest Showman, but he made certain all the windows of his vehicle were closed tightly before doing so.
GENEVA — The long-awaited Center For Celebrating The Protestant Heritage Of Artistic Excellence opened to the public in John Calvin’s home city of Geneva, Switzerland last week, after nearly 30 years of constructing the massive building and compiling the greatest works of Protestant art it would house. Attendees report that the imposing structure has space […]
WORLD — A shocking Gallup poll has revealed that a rapidly increasing number of kids in Generation Z are now identifying as members of the world’s most celebrated, popular group.
CHICAGO, IL — After Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot failed to win reelection, city officials honored her legacy of skyrocketing crime rates with a 21-murder salute.
LONDON — Eve has once again come in last in a global poll for Most Popular Women in History. Comments left by those polled again cited Eve’s instigation of the downfall of the human race as a whole as the main reason for her low ranking.
U.S. — Public schools in the U.S. are continuing to decline as performance and test scores reach record lows. Many are blaming this phenomenon on a lack of teachers in the classrooms since most of them have been beaten unconscious by students.
CHICAGO, IL — Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot lost her bid for reelection this week in what Lightfoot and other critics are calling a blatant example of the rampant murderphobia that still exists among residents of the city.
BEIJING — Following yet another pile of evidence suggesting coronavirus escaped from a lab in Wuhan, the remorseful Republic of China tried sending over another “We’re Sorry For Creating COVID” balloon to their friends in America.
CHICAGO, IL — After suffering a humiliating defeat in Chicago’s mayoral election, Lori Lightfoot blamed her stunning loss on “those tricksy hobbitses.”
U.S. — To avoid any future delays in sending billions of taxpayer dollars and deadly weapons to Ukraine, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen has decided to make things easier and give President Zelensky the key to the U.S. Treasury.
SPENCER, NE — Local man Ryan Lewis rushed to Amazon to award a 5-star review to the random fantasy novel he picked up from a local thrift store when he discovered that it didn’t just have a fantasy map — it had a fantasy map that folds out.
PORTLAND, OR — A local man who recently completed his transition to living as if he were a woman immediately regretted his decision to do so after seeing the line for the ladies’ room at a large public event last night.
GEORGIA — After hearing that a black bear did epic amounts of cocaine somewhere in the forests of Georgia, Hunter Biden quickly gathered his camping gear and started driving south.
LEWISVILLE, TX — In a move privacy advocates are hailing as historic, Texas’s state legislature has passed a batch of new laws allowing civilians to shoot Google Maps camera cars on sight.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT