SPRINGFIELD, IL — A local teacher has devised an innovative way to immediately be granted extended time off from work — telling her class that there are only two genders in the world. The teacher hopes that this method will provide her with a much-needed vacation.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a prestigious ceremony held at the White House, President Biden bestowed the “Black American of Courage” award to actor Robert Downey Jr. for his pivotal role as a black man in the 2008 movie Tropic Thunder.
CANAAN — Hoping to quell controversy over its practices, a local Temple of Moloch has announced plans to host a “family-friendly” child sacrifice event next weekend. Leaders at the temple hope that the addition of fun activities for kids will help the cult shed the unpleasant image that comes with slaughtering children as an act […]
Let’s face it, being a man is pretty great. It’s way better than the alternative. In fact, being a man is so great that a lot of women have started deciding they want to pretend to be men just to try to reap the benefits, but their womanness still puts them at a disadvantage.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Previously unseen footage, shown for the first time on Tucker Carlson Tonight, sparked controversy for its purported portrayal of the Deadly Jan 6 Attack on the U.S. Capitol Insurrection™ as a “mostly peaceful” protest, but the intelligence community has gone on the record to claim all security footage from the event is […]
DADEVILLE, AL — A local Baptist church was forced to cancel its normal observation of the Lord’s Supper last week after it was discovered that the grape juice used for communion had fermented.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Desperate to keep more of the American public from seeing previously unreleased security camera footage from the January 6, 2021 breaching of the U.S. Capitol, New York Senator Chuck Schumer has now issued a warning that the Buffalo Hat QAnon Shaman will crawl out of the television set and kill anyone who […]
UNION CITY, TN — “I would never trust a female pilot if my life depended on it,” said local man Ray Strunk, who doesn’t know how to change the wiper blades on his car.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Poor lil’ guy! According to sources, Senator Mitch McConnell became so spooked today by the release of unedited Jan 6 footage that he withdrew his head into his shell and is refusing to come out.
SPARTANBURG, SC — Local man Rusty Davis became extremely self-conscious today after suddenly realizing he was the only person in all of Wal-Mart walking on legs.
U.S. — Democrat leaders have issued a dire warning to Americans, saying that anyone who watches unedited clips of the footage from January 6 runs the risk of arriving at a conclusion that hasn’t been approved by Democrat leaders.
PHOENIXVILLE, PA — Local man Todd Longwood, 40, was shocked to discover that the list of side effects from the new drug Relievitol perfectly described a typical day in his life.
MT SINAI — After being freed from slavery by the God of Abraham, witnessing 10 terrible plagues against Pharaoh, and walking across the Red Sea on dry ground to escape from Egypt’s army, Kemuel son of Bahram, of the tribe of Benjamin, is demanding to be brought back to die in Egypt after stubbing his […]
WASHINGTON, DC — Following former President Donald Trump’s overwhelming victory in CPAC’s straw poll for the 2024 Republican presidential nomination, New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has proposed legislation that would impose a nationwide ban on the use of straws.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning revelation last night, Fox News host Tucker Carlson aired previously unseen footage from the January 6, 2021 riot at the U.S. Capitol that definitively showed the mastermind behind the entire incident.
PRINCETON, NJ — Despite being armed with respectable PhDs, published papers, and bowties, historians remain stumped that kids throughout history didn’t commit suicide despite having no access to gender surgery.
WASHINGTON, DC — President Joe Biden took a tough stance against the kidnapping of four Americans by a Mexican drug cartel in Matamoros, Mexico this week, demanding that all hotels in the area reduce their resort fees immediately.
ARLINGTON, TX — In an attempt to distance itself from its older NFL cousin and its “END RACISM” endzone decorations, the XFL has announced they will be adding their own endzone decorations that read “WE LOVE RACISM.”
SOUTH BEND, IN — A female airline pilot was preoccupied during an otherwise routine flight yesterday, as she kept hoping the plane’s blinking “CHECK ENGINE” light would eventually just turn off by itself without incident.
The coronavirus pandemic is on the ropes thanks to Dr. Fauci and the power of equity, but don’t put that face mask away just yet! There’s so much more you can get out of it.
CRESTLINE, CA — In his ongoing series of investigations into any reports of white powder, Hunter Biden has traveled to the San Bernardino Mountains of California after hearing several feet of such powder had been seen covering the mountaintops.
NASHVILLE, TN — Seeking to be fully prepared to capitalize on any potential woke misstep by another major American corporation, Daily Wire CEO Jeremy Boreing is now reportedly setting up shop in a large warehouse full of tires, waiting for Goodyear to say something to cause conservative outrage.
PASADENA, CA — The heated Division III rivalry between the East Pasadena Community College Golden Cuttlefish and the Technical College of Southeastern Bakersfield Fightin’ Avocados has grown to epic proportions as the final minute of the basketball game heads into day three.
KYIV — Attorney General Merrick Garland’s surprise Ukraine trip was cut short over the weekend after government officials asked him to leave, citing an overabundance of corrupt government officials already in the country.
U.S. — A scene of desperation and panic unfolded on a Delta Airlines flight after the captain of the all-female flight crew announced over the intercom that everything was fine.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT