Are you a good person who wants to help the poor? You’ve come to the right place! Liberals are famous for caring for the poor better than anyone else, and they’ve pioneered 100% effective ways of helping the less fortunate in our midst. Try doing these 10 things, and together we’ll win the war on […]
SANTA CLARA, CA — Following the unexpected collapse of Silicon Valley Bank, company officials have reached out to customers who lost their life savings with promises of a free pen.
In recent months, Republican Governors like Gregg Abbott have continued their cruel campaign against parents who pursue constitutionally-protected avenues for cleaning their children. Yet isn’t a beautiful child, thrown into a Maytag for a heavy spin cycle because of the aligned desires of parents, children, and caregivers acting in good faith, precisely what our constitution […]
HOLLYWOOD — On Sunday, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences awarded the Oscar for best actor in a leading role to a young Ukrainian man for his hard work on and off the screen. Volodymyr Zelenskyy is the first person who identifies as a world leader to win an Oscar.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an attempt to avert a major financial disaster in the wake of Silicon Valley Bank’s collapse, the Biden Administration held a special meeting with Chinese President Xi to ask him for a quick loan to help bail out the failing bank.
LOS ANGELES, CA — The Academy Awards has continued efforts to address its history of white overrepresentation, tabbing black comedian Jimmy Kimmel to host the 95th edition of the Oscars.
SAN JOSE, CA — Local man Brad Sandlin thanked his lucky stars today that he had the foresight to take his money out of cryptocurrency and instead keep it safe in Silicon Valley Bank.
BOISE, ID — Local seven-year-old Audrey Williamson tragically fell into a coma today after her mother kindly asked her to put on shoes before going to school.
Can you say “bad to the bone”? We hope so, because that’s what you’ll be compelled to say when you get a load of this ABSOLUTE LEGEND who’s riding a motorcycle with not one, not two, not five, but THREE FRIGGIN’ WHEELS.
ST. PAUL, MN — Having purchased a standing mixer for his wife last month, local man Jared Simmons has found himself unable to escape a virtual blitzkrieg of standing mixer advertisements.
U.S. — Sources report Tucker Carlson has obtained 40,000 hours of never-before-seen footage of President Joe Biden falling down the stairs on Air Force One.
UNITED STATES — Local smartphone user Sallie Beth Stunkey was seen sighing in frustration as the app she had been using flashed another pop-up insecurely asking if she loved it.
BOSTON, MA — This week, historians from the Graham Society announced that they can now confirm the authenticity of recently-discovered documentation revealing the contents of the inventor’s second-ever completed phone call: an inbound robocall asking him about his car’s extended warranty.
Things were pretty good in the Garden of Eden, but then Adam and Eve had to ruin it by eating from the one tree God explicitly told them not to touch. Ugh! Now sin has entered the world and man has fallen from grace — and we didn’t even get to try any of that […]
HARRAN — Archeologists working in the Middle East say they’ve uncovered the world’s oldest cassette tape, which they believe was used as a mix tape by the biblical Jacob in his lengthy courtship with Rachel, as detailed in the first book of Moses called Genesis.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With aged senators increasingly absent from sessions to treat their illnesses and injuries, Congress has passed new rules giving control of the Senate to whichever party has fewer people in the hospital.
DALLAS, TX — Introverts nationwide can rejoice (quietly, in a room by themselves), as the restaurant chain Chili’s has announced plans to add new silent fajitas to menus across the country. This news will provide welcome relief to millions of people who have long wanted to enjoy fajitas without the loud, sizzling presentation.
MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Local Plumber Mario and his brother Luigi were arrested on hate crime charges during a Special Cup Tournament in which they left unsightly skid marks on Rainbow Road.
SCOTTSDALE, AZ — After an unexpected layoff led to weeks of scanning job boards and submitting applications, local man Aaron Consola regained hope when he passed a screening and aptitude test and scheduled an interview with the Department of Motor Vehicles. Unfortunately, the interview ended soon after he described himself as a “motivated go-getter.”
TUPELO, MS — For the 157th day in a row, family man Darren Cooper has resisted the siren call of an update for his iPhone that “provides important bug fixes and security updates.”
OVERLAND PARK, KS — A local company came dangerously close to having a productive day, avoiding it only at the last minute by scheduling a meeting that brought all actual work-related operations to an immediate standstill.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT