Well, the day has finally arrived: your cute little parasitical clump of cells has popped out of one of the birthing persons in your relationship, and it’s now suddenly a real human being. But what gender is it? It’s hard to say. It could even be – fingers crossed – trans!
ROLAND, IA — While at his first job interview with a prospective employer Thursday, local man Justin Rasberger was crestfallen to learn that “quoting Monty Python” does not count as relevant job experience, and in fact is not currently considered a “marketable skill” among employers.
HAZELWOOD, TN — Many Americans are growing worried over the looming financial crisis as banks continue to close down due to lack of funds, a dilemma that kicked off over the weekend with a run on Silicon Valley Bank.
SANTA CLARA, CA — Executives at Silicon Valley Bank are reeling after learning one of the most brutal lessons in banking: if you invest your money irresponsibly, the government will just bail you out.
After banning the Russian Orthodox Church in the country, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky is now reportedly banning the Ukrainian Orthodox Church, which has approximately 10,000 parishes throughout the nation. With his increasing power and the ongoing hostilities in Ukraine, the government’s crackdown on religion could potentially continue unchecked.
CHAPPAQUA, NY — Hillary Clinton, who famously shattered the glass ceiling for all of womankind, took to Twitter Wednesday morning with a touching tweet for Fox News on-air personality Tucker Carlson in which she expressed her condolences for his upcoming suicide.
NEW YORK, NY — Beloved Football superstar Colin Kaepernick has announced he will be suing his white parents for the cruel act of adopting him into a white family without his consent. Kaepernick’s legal team announced he is seeking $21 million in reparations from the couple.
GARY, IN — A local construction worker was relieved to hear that his money will be used to bail out failing banks used by billionaire elites, despite the fact that he is having a hard time paying his utility bills and putting food on his family’s table.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — There are moments in history when our nation’s elected leaders have had to truly prove their worth during trying times. Today, just such a moment occurred, when members of Congress somberly paused sending all of our tax dollars to Ukraine so they could send them to Silicon Valley Bank instead.
NEW YORK, NY — In honor of Women’s History Month, a woman knelt down in front of a man to demonstrate subservience and submission. Witnesses described the historic event as “weird” and “an unusual way to promote the empowerment of women.”
In some states, women enjoy full reproductive freedom and autonomy. Yay! Other states, however, are tyrannical Republican hellscapes where women are forced to carry babies to full-term — like literal chattel. But which of these do you live in?
DES MOINES, IA — A local couple has discovered the perfect deterrent to help them handle rowdy children. The exasperated mother and father warned their overly rambunctious kids that if they didn’t start behaving, they would take them to Applebee’s for dinner.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After spending billions to bail out Silicon Valley billionaire tech entrepreneurs, the Biden Administration is vowing to tax all taxpayer money they gave to Silicon Valley.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — A new record was set at a local Panda Express location today, as a fork replaced a set of chopsticks only three bites into a local man’s meal. This breaks the previous record of seven bites, set at a Panda Express location in Wichita, Kansas in 2019.
GRAIN VALLEY, MO — Isn’t nature amazing? In what has become an annual tradition and one of the first signs of the arrival of spring, a local wife has begun the arduous process of molting the many layers of blankets she has built up around her body over the course of the long winter.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Many are praising President Biden for his swift and decisive leadership this morning. In a set of forceful and clear remarks to the country’s financial system, he called on all banks to stop collapsing immediately.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid the monumental collapse of several banks over the last few days and broader fears that the banking system is no longer safe, President Biden made a statement to assure Americans that all their bank deposits are perfectly safe in Ukraine.
Are you a good person who wants to help the poor? You’ve come to the right place! Liberals are famous for caring for the poor better than anyone else, and they’ve pioneered 100% effective ways of helping the less fortunate in our midst. Try doing these 10 things, and together we’ll win the war on […]
SANTA CLARA, CA — Following the unexpected collapse of Silicon Valley Bank, company officials have reached out to customers who lost their life savings with promises of a free pen.
In recent months, Republican Governors like Gregg Abbott have continued their cruel campaign against parents who pursue constitutionally-protected avenues for cleaning their children. Yet isn’t a beautiful child, thrown into a Maytag for a heavy spin cycle because of the aligned desires of parents, children, and caregivers acting in good faith, precisely what our constitution […]
HOLLYWOOD — On Sunday, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences awarded the Oscar for best actor in a leading role to a young Ukrainian man for his hard work on and off the screen. Volodymyr Zelenskyy is the first person who identifies as a world leader to win an Oscar.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an attempt to avert a major financial disaster in the wake of Silicon Valley Bank’s collapse, the Biden Administration held a special meeting with Chinese President Xi to ask him for a quick loan to help bail out the failing bank.
LOS ANGELES, CA — The Academy Awards has continued efforts to address its history of white overrepresentation, tabbing black comedian Jimmy Kimmel to host the 95th edition of the Oscars.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT