LOS ANGELES, CA — As tensions continue to rise amid negotiations for a new contract, Los Angeles Unified School District teachers threatened to return to their classrooms and resume teaching students if their demands are not met.
MOSCOW — The world breathed a collective sigh of relief today as Chinese President Xi Jinping announced a historic peace agreement in the Russian-Ukrainian war in which Russia will stay in Ukraine permanently and China will also invade Taiwan.
Oh no! Silicon Valley Bank imploded on itself, dealing a significant blow to our economy! If only those dumb rich people were smart enough to stop putting their money in a bank.
COLUMBIA, MO — An extended court battle concluded this week when local content creator Jake Campbell’s defense attorneys failed to convince judges to commute his sentence. Campbell has been found guilty of filming a full reaction video that added nothing of value to the video to which he was reacting.
UNITED STATES — Shock rippled through the world of figure skating after the sport’s highest-profile athlete issued a statement no one would have ever expected to hear in their lifetime. Gavin Turley, three-time Men’s Figure Skating champion, formally and publicly came out of the closet as heterosexual.
MOSCOW — China’s Xi Jinping and Russia’s Vladimir Putin have held a summit in Moscow, but negotiations have slowed to a standstill. Analysts say this is because neither has yet finished Donald J. Trump’s masterful tome on all things related to negotiation: The Art Of The Deal.
PALM BEACH, FL — Democrat dreams of seeing President Donald Trump indicted and arrested this week were dealt a blow after Trump revealed he had preemptively pardoned himself prior to leaving office in January 2021.
U.S. — Liberals unable to define the words “man” or “woman” have angrily demanded conservatives give a singular definition of a term recently made up by liberals.
ATLANTA, GA — After collecting each person’s offering this morning, ushers at Second Baptist Church proceeded to flip around an iPad to ask congregants if they would also like to include a tip.
MANHATTAN, NY — After being alerted to a possible indictment of former President Trump, law enforcement scrambled to try to find handcuffs big enough to fit his unbelievably massive hands.
Man, so nice to get outside after a long day at work. Maybe I’ll go grab a burger. Can’t wait until — wait, what’s that noise? It’s coming from the sky. It’s like a humming…a thumping. Is it an airplane? No, it’s not an airplane. It’s…NO WAY!
JERUSALEM — Scholars of the Hebrew Bible at Israel’s Bar Ilan University have discovered new fine print in the Noahic Covenant. The divine vow to never again flood the earth is rendered “null and void,” experts explain, if humanity ever co-opts the rainbow into a widespread and ongoing campaign for weird sex stuff.
JORDAN — In what has been hailed as a landmark day for Bible history buffs, archeologists have announced the discovery of the steel cage where Jacob wrestled with God, as chronicled in the book of Genesis.
IRELAND — Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, expressed great pride that he was able to bring Christianity to the Anglo-Saxons so their descendants could commemorate it each year by gathering in mobs, get fall-down, hammered drunk, and commit various acts of aggravated assault on each other on March 17.
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Local leprechaun, pot o’ gold enthusiast, and all-around jokester Leery O’Canahan had been excited for St. Patrick’s Day for months. “It’s like our Super Bowl,” O’Canahan told reporters. “Without the weird halftime shows.”
SOUTHBRIDGE, MA — Local man Edgar Ramirez had finally had enough of feeling terrible all the time from doing nothing but lying around all day or sitting on the computer – so he finally decided to take up running every day, so that he could feel a different kind of terrible all the time.
NEW YORK, NY — History was made last night, as a human being laughed at The Late Show with Stephen Colbert for the first time since the show began its run in September 2018. To accomplish this feat, Colbert brought in a ringer — Vice President Kamala Harris.
DIAGON ALLEY, LONDON — The world-renowned Gringotts Bank has filed for bankruptcy and is closing its doors permanently, sources confirmed Thursday, after admitting that its business model of hoarding its customers’ gold in a giant cavern guarded by a “friggin’ dragon” is unsustainable and fiscally unsound.
LOS ANGELES, CA — California residents reported growing concern over the fate of their state after a wide variety of animals were seen going in pairs toward a large wooden boat.
It’s one of the hardest parts of running a church: trying to find a qualified youth pastor. Who wants the job, anyway, when it probably doesn’t pay and doesn’t even count as being a real pastor? But someone’s gotta watch the unruly teens while the adults do real church, so if you’re on the lookout […]
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT