AUSTIN, TX — Tesla, Inc. added a van to its lineup of popular electric vehicles Monday with the unveiling of the new Model H. The full-size van, also known as The Homeschooler, is capable of fitting all nine of Elon Musk’s children inside without sacrificing comfort.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — America was saved in the face of overwhelming odds when former President Trump returned as Trump the White at first light Monday to drain the swamp, finally making good on a campaign promise from days of old. He was joined by Dutch farmers, Canadian truckers, and those who would carry the banner […]
The entire contents of Hunter Biden’s laptop, iphone, and ipad have been leaked to the public. How embarrassing! The Babylon Bee team spent all night scrolling through 4chan threads last night and we checked into therapy this morning.
WASHINGTON — The January 6th hearings ended early last week when a custodian knocked on the door before poking his head in to request that the January 6th Committee clear out for the next group on the schedule.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Governor Ron Desantis has responded to Governor Gavin Newsom’s political ads in Florida by running political ads of his own in California. While Newsom’s ads were urging libs to move to California, Desantis is begging the libs in California to stay put.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Elizabeth Warren has decided to take matters into her own hands in the war against crisis pregnancy centers, personally smacking free resources away from pregnant women when they leave.
Crystal Lake, MI — After years of relaxing travel, the McWilliams family took the leap and purchased a lake cabin so they can finally spend their entire vacation fixing things.
LITTLE ROCK, AR — Local woman Carissa Stewart passed away suddenly today, tragically crushed when she upset the upset the delicately constructed tower of Starbucks cups in her car.
NEW ASGARD — Thor god of thunder has once again returned to Earth to visit his love interest, Jane Foster. After realizing that Jane was able to wield all the powers of the mighty Thor Odinson by simply picking up his old hammer, Thor has decided to pick up Jane’s most prized item in hopes […]
AUSTIN, TX — The tech world is reeling from the news that Elon has officially withdrawn his offer to buy Twitter after he realized he can still read the Babylon Bee by going directly to their website.
EARTH — After examining records from every abortion carried out since the dawn of humanity, scientists have confirmed that the number of safe abortions performed still inexplicably remains at zero.
SPARTANBURG, SC — After months of anticipation, the Johnson family finally left for vacation this morning, eager to see what urgent cares look like across the country.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Leader of the free world and President of the United States Joe Biden issued an apology to the American people for an embarrassing blunder that had occurred earlier, stating the following:
JERUSALEM — The Apostle Paul has demanded that his critics stop “deadnaming” him, explaining that he used his Hebrew name “Saul” before his transition to Christianity but switched to his Roman name “Paul” as a Christian evangelist traveling in Gentile regions.
COBRA ISLAND — In a prudent move to mitigate the effects of inflation on everyday families with the last name of “Biden,” President Joe Biden sold a million barrels from the U.S. Strategic Petroleum Reserves to COBRA, enemy of American freedom and nemesis of the G.I. Joe team.
AUSTIN, TX — Elon Musk’s total net worth was cut in half Thursday after he took all 9 of his kids to Chuck E. Cheese for dinner and games. Musk, who is the CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, reportedly spent over $4 billion on Skee-Ball alone and another $12 million to win a plastic lizard […]
LOS ANGELES, CA — Climate activists are claiming victory following a recent protest in which they blocked traffic and forced vehicles to idle for an extra 3 hours.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Husband scientists employed with the Smithsonian Institution have discovered a strange basket holding dirty clothes, and so far are completely baffled by where it came from or what its use could be.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden awarded the Medal of Freedom to Megan Rapinoe today, but was devastated to learn that her pink hair doesn’t actually smell like strawberries.
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