SAN DIEGO, CA — As a part of Major League Baseball’s new push to both speed up the pace of games and make them more exciting for spectators, it was announced that pitchers who violate the new pitch clock will then be dropped into a pit of hungry alligators as punishment.
These days, it seems you aren’t able to swing a dead cat without hitting a failing bank. We’ll ignore the concerns raised by the fact that you’re swinging a dead cat in the first place and instead focus on safer places to put your money. Economic uncertainty, combined with the instability of financial institutions, makes […]
U.S. — A new study from Stanford University has revealed the number one cause of depression in males aged 18-65 is not being allowed to dress as a ship’s captain from the time of the Napoleonic Wars.
JERUSALEM — New discoveries from archeological digs and ancient texts have led biblical scholars to believe that, in addition to all of the other catastrophes and maladies that plagued Job in his life, he was also a huge Chicago Cubs fan.
ORLANDO, FL — Amid an escalating feud with Ron DeSantis, Disney dealt a devastating blow to the Governor by changing the requirements on all their attractions so that only people over 6 feet tall may enter.
WORLD — A promising new report has revealed that the Creator of the Universe will soon return with the keys of death and Hell to redeem the world for himself, wipe away every tear, and make all things new once again.
BAKHMUT — In a stunning development, Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced an immediate and total surrender after he received word that the United States had airdropped a tactical team of Nashville Police officers into the battlefield.
CYPRESS, CA — Members of a local gym were shocked and distracted today after a woman — who was clearly new and not familiar with the expected attire of exercising females — spent her entire workout actually wearing clothing.
QUANTICO, VA — The nation’s top investigative force has pledged a full commitment of its resources to identify, isolate, and destroy whichever Christian beliefs were responsible for the brutal attack at a private Christian school this week.
U.S. — Media outlets around the country joined hands today to call for a moment of silent remembrance for Audrey Hale, a mass shooter who was misgendered.
Due to quality control issues, Saint Peter’s questionnaire at the Pearly Gates has gotten stricter. Still think you can get into heaven with all your terrible opinions? Check out this list and find out!
KANSAS CITY, MO — A local boy was confronted with a cold reality today after realizing he’s far too intelligent to ever be President of the United States when he grows up.
HAHIRA, GA — The leadership of a newly planted church was unable to come up with a suitable name and will instead be forced to settle for being named “13,487th Baptist Church.” A number of alternative names were considered, but following in the long tradition of numerical order was agreed to be the only option.
SPRINGFIELD, MO — A local couple faced a difficult challenge this week after deciding to find a new church, with the goal of finding a smaller church but one that is still large enough that no one there will notice if the couple isn’t in attendance.
ANAHEIM, CA — The effects of a struggling U.S. economy are starting to be felt in unexpected places, as heavy layoffs at Disney have now left Snow White with only three dwarfs in her entourage.
SACRAMENTO, CA — California’s legislature has been weighing $5 million in reparations for eligible residents, but in the meantime has passed a less controversial stopgap bill: $5 million in reparations for any black person who has experienced “digital blackface,” in which a white person uses a black person’s likeness in a GIF.
NAZARETH — Newly discovered scrolls have revealed new details regarding Mary and Joseph’s fateful trip to Bethlehem to be registered by the Roman Empire. According to new accounts, the mother of Jesus pestered Joseph several times during the days-long trip about stopping to see the Magnolia silos made famous by Chip and Joanna Gaines.
COLLEGE STATION, TX — A local man found himself embroiled in controversy today as he was accused of perpetrating “digital orangeface” after sharing a Donald Trump meme on Twitter.
NEW YORK, NY — A new study indicates a disturbing trend as testicular injuries in women’s sports are increasing at an astounding rate. Researchers are baffled as these statistics have skyrocketed from literally zero reported testicular injuries among female athletes just a few years ago.
CHICAGO IL — Witnesses were left to draw their own conclusions when they observed a man walking through downtown carrying a leather satchel over his shoulder. The only plausible explanation, onlookers determined, was that the man must be on his way to start an expedition into the Central American jungle to steal a cursed golden […]
MOUNT SINAI — Another set of stone tablets — purportedly bearing the commandments of God — was shattered to pieces after Moses walked in on an impromptu drag queen party being held by his people. The prophet, who previously destroyed an earlier set of commandments after walking in on the Israelites worshipping a golden calf […]
KYIV — Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky reportedly had difficulty concealing his disappointment today after meeting Orlando Bloom and finding out he is not actually a fearsome elf warrior.
NEW HAVEN, CT — Progressives across the nation have found themselves locked out of their accounts after CAPTCHA began asking users to identify what squares show a woman.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT