WORLD — Artificial intelligence ChatGPT hacked into the secure tactical systems of every major country on Earth and simultaneously fired the world’s entire nuclear stockpile into the sky this morning after being asked to write yet another Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic.
NEW YORK, NY — Several eagle-eyed observers reportedly noticed something strange about the arraignment judge as Trump arrived in court this afternoon. According to sources, the judge looks suspiciously like a kangaroo wearing a powdered wig.
NEW YORK, NY — Donald Trump’s campaign fundraising is breaking records thanks to a lavish fundraiser hosted by Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg and the Democrat Party.
JACKSONVILLE, FL — A married couple was seen wandering the mall Monday, when the owner of one cool knife stopped to take a gander at more cool knives on display in the window of the Stabology storefront. The owner of 73 purses then asked her companion why he needed more than one cool knife.
SAN MATEO, CA — In honor of Trans Visibility Week, Crystal Dynamics’ next installment of the beloved Tomb Raider franchise will reportedly replace treasure hunter Lara Croft with transgender TikTok influencer Dylan Mulvaney.
NEW YORK, NY — With tension building in anticipation of former President Donald Trump arriving in New York to face arraignment on criminal charges, a grizzled FBI agent eagerly dusted off his old red MAGA baseball cap, ready to put it on for one last assignment.
OGDEN, UT — After developing a crick in your neck from a bad night’s sleep, your new chiropractor has encouraging news: you will be back to 100% in no time! The only outstanding step is to complete 328 more visits.
WEST PALM BEACH, FL — As social media influencer Douglass “Ricky Vaughn” Mackey was convicted on charges of interfering in an election by posting memes online, startling new evidence has emerged that he was making plans to create a dangerous and devastating Joe Biden GIF.
U.S. — In a match made in heaven, a beverage that tries to pass itself as beer has hired as its spokesperson a man trying to pass himself off as a woman.
Now that former President Trump has officially been indicted, everyone wants to know how this whole ordeal will unfold. Here are the nine things that will be happening next:
OVERLAND PARK, KS — A local man brought great shame upon himself and his entire family today after exiting an elevator on the wrong floor, resulting in him having to get back on the elevator with the same people and finish the rest of the ride in disgrace.
AMES, IA — Local six-year-old Aidan Thompson is greatly looking forward to the annual opportunity to spend an entire morning whacking his sister with a palm branch.
NEW YORK, NY — Family, friends, and legal advisors of President Donald Trump were confused after learning Trump used his one phone call to contact Florida Governor Ron DeSantis and berate him from his location in a New York jail.
PRINCETON, NJ — Scientists have concluded a years-long study confirming the indisputable correlation between people putting trust in their government and people also eating paint chips.
U.S. — Members of the media are calling for caution in their reporting after a German-identified man named Adolf Hitler (he/him) suddenly called the Jewish people a “race-tuberculosis of the peoples” and implemented a final solution to wipe them off the face of the earth. Experts warn that focusing on the systematic murder of six […]
LONDON — A successful marketing firm in the U.K. has come up with an ingenious plan, deciding that the centuries-old landmark Piccadilly Circus is an ideal place for an enormous Burger King billboard.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Amid outrage over former President Trump being indicted for a misdemeanor past the statute of limitations, Democrats have urged citizens to remain calm and let the justice system do its work, reminding everyone that Trump is guilty until proven guilty.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to President Biden claim the elderly politician was initially nervous and worried upon hearing a president was going to be indicted for shady deals and suspect business transactions, but was “relieved” upon learning that it was just a possible misdemeanor allegedly committed by Trump years ago.
NEW YORK, NY — Mike Lindell lashed out wildly with a sword, even cutting off the ear of a New York police officer after authorities arrived at Trump Tower to take the current sitting president of the United States into custody. Trump reportedly admonished Lindell and miraculously healed the officer’s ear before willingly surrendering himself […]
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT