BOSTON, MA — Senator Elizabeth Warren is condemning the Underground Railroad for using devious and deceptive tactics to trick slaves into escaping their masters.
NEW YORK, NY — Multiple Waffle House locations have been forced to close their doors permanently following an uptick in public safety and a drastic reduction in crime. The Waffle House locations were simply no longer able to function in pristine, well-funded areas that their customers were not used to.
U.S. — In a bid to get WNBA star Brittney Griner out of Russian prison and back home to the states where she belongs, Americans have eagerly stepped up to offer up LeBron James as a substitute.
NEW BRAUNFELS, TX — Despite an already crowded field consisting of popular incumbent Greg Abbott, Irish drug-addict Robert O’Rourke, and several unknown candidates, a dark horse candidate has threatened to upset the governor’s race: Bucc-ee Beaver announced his candidacy today.
LEBANON, KY — Local Christian radio DJ Jessie Korah, host of “Morning Trumpet” on 97.7FM Coastlands Radio, experiences constant feelings of déjà vu that the songs he’s broadcasting are the exact same ones he did just an hour before.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — NASA’s James Webb space telescope team has unveiled the farthest and most massive image of deep space ever captured. In light of the success of the program, NASA has announced they will be developing an even larger space telescope to capture a photograph of your mom.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, senior White House aides are still searching for a Biden they can send out in public following recent gaffes and federal crimes committed by Joe, Jill, and Hunter Biden.
Jill Biden recently referred to Latino people as “Breakfast Tacos,” eschewing the more politically correct term, “Brxxkfst Txcxs.” Despite her faux pas, this isn’t the first time she’s used colorful language to describe some ethnicities. Here are most of the other times:
U.S. — According to recent polling data, the Americans described by Jill Biden as “breakfast tacos” are inexplicably switching to the Republican Party in record numbers.
PROVIDENCE, RI — According to the results of a new study conducted by Brown University, exactly 100% of work meetings ever held in all of human history, across all industries and sectors, have been entirely unnecessary.
AUSTIN, TX — Tesla, Inc. added a van to its lineup of popular electric vehicles Monday with the unveiling of the new Model H. The full-size van, also known as The Homeschooler, is capable of fitting all nine of Elon Musk’s children inside without sacrificing comfort.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — America was saved in the face of overwhelming odds when former President Trump returned as Trump the White at first light Monday to drain the swamp, finally making good on a campaign promise from days of old. He was joined by Dutch farmers, Canadian truckers, and those who would carry the banner […]
The entire contents of Hunter Biden’s laptop, iphone, and ipad have been leaked to the public. How embarrassing! The Babylon Bee team spent all night scrolling through 4chan threads last night and we checked into therapy this morning.
WASHINGTON — The January 6th hearings ended early last week when a custodian knocked on the door before poking his head in to request that the January 6th Committee clear out for the next group on the schedule.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Governor Ron Desantis has responded to Governor Gavin Newsom’s political ads in Florida by running political ads of his own in California. While Newsom’s ads were urging libs to move to California, Desantis is begging the libs in California to stay put.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Elizabeth Warren has decided to take matters into her own hands in the war against crisis pregnancy centers, personally smacking free resources away from pregnant women when they leave.
Crystal Lake, MI — After years of relaxing travel, the McWilliams family took the leap and purchased a lake cabin so they can finally spend their entire vacation fixing things.
LITTLE ROCK, AR — Local woman Carissa Stewart passed away suddenly today, tragically crushed when she upset the upset the delicately constructed tower of Starbucks cups in her car.
NEW ASGARD — Thor god of thunder has once again returned to Earth to visit his love interest, Jane Foster. After realizing that Jane was able to wield all the powers of the mighty Thor Odinson by simply picking up his old hammer, Thor has decided to pick up Jane’s most prized item in hopes […]
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