HEAVEN — Sources from the Almighty have confirmed that like everything else for the Orthodox, the rapture will also take place one week after the regular rapture.
U.S. — As conservatives across the nation vowed to no longer drink Budweiser products, people who possess functional taste buds have promised to continue their decades-long boycott of Bud Light as well.
U.S. — With inflation remaining stubbornly persistent, the Easter Bunny has been forced to hide ramen noodle packages around people’s yards in lieu of his usual eggs.
ST LOUIS, MO — Finding themselves in hot water with Christians and conservatives this week, Anheuser-Busch has extended an olive branch to the Christian community with its new John MacArthur edition of Bud Light.
WALTHAM, MA — Transgender visibility took yet another step forward today as Raytheon unveiled its new Patriot missile endorsed by transgender TikTok personality Dylan Mulvaney. President Biden immediately celebrated this new line of missiles, hailing it as a leap forward in lethal diversity.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A group of young children participating in an Easter Egg hunt at the White House found themselves at the center of unexpected controversy after they discovered more of President Joe Biden’s classified documents hidden inside some of the colorful Easter eggs. Parents alerted the FBI, who then arrived on the scene to […]
HUNTSVILLE, AL — A local man left no room for debate among onlookers today, as his drinking Bud Light and listening to country music made it abundantly obvious to everyone who saw him that he was, in fact, gay. Though he was apparently unaware of it himself, he was assured by people nearby that it […]
What did you do to earn God’s mercy? That’s right — NOTHING! Nada, zero, zilch. The Babylon Bee theologians have compiled a complete list of all zero of the things you did to merit the forgiveness of your sins.
TOPEKA, KS — Reports are flying in of an event that sounds too crazy to be true. In an absolute highlight of his week, local man Jobert Philipps ate a burger alone in the peace and quiet of his car.
NASHVILLE, TN — Trans activists have descended on Tennessee’s state capital today, proclaiming that drag shows in front of small children don’t even happen, and also that they will burn the statehouse to the ground if lawmakers attempt to ban the practice.
ST. LOUIS, MO — In a natural continuation of its push for diversity and celebration of transgender lifestyles, Anheuser-Busch has announced the company will be replacing the iconic Budweiser Clydesdales with cows that identify as and dress like horses.
WORLD — Trans visibility is now at an all-time high, sources say. Experts believe this is largely due to all the bright pretty colors, the sounds of screaming and profanity, and loud gunshots.
NASHVILLE, TN — A local community Easter egg hunt ground to a halt yesterday as conservative commentator Matt Walsh kept jumping out from nearby bushes to inform the children that it’s biologically impossible for a bunny to lay eggs.
NEW YORK, NY — In order to capitalize on the current focus of New York City prosecutors on offenses related to business record keeping, NBC has announced plans to debut a new show titled Law & Order: Falsification of Business Records Unit.
MADISON, WI — According to sources, local woman Millie Barnes has begun transitioning away from being cold due to the weather and will spend the next 3 to 4 months being cold because of the air conditioning.
NEW YORK, NY — Neighborhoods throughout the greater New York City area were finally able to breathe a sigh of relief after a fugitive murderer was finally arrested due to falsified business records.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A genuine, certified, 100% flesh-and-blood human scientist who earned a real science degree from a top research university has confirmed that artificial intelligence is safe and effective and development should continue as rapidly as possible.
NEW YORK, NY — A local man being robbed at gunpoint on the subway expressed relief that prosecutors are hard at work attempting to bring President Donald Trump to justice on charges of falsifying business records.
WEST PALM BEACH, FL — Following a historic day when he was arraigned in New York on charges of 34 felony counts, President Donald Trump returned home to Mar-A-Lago and boasted that no other felon has ever been charged with this many felony counts in history.
CHICAGO, IL — After a century of electing nothing but Democrats and getting only corruption, death, and poverty in return, Chicago residents have decided to make a change to the status quo by electing a different Democrat this time.
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK — Despite The History Channel’s long catalog of serious historical inquiry, documentaries constructed from primary source accounts, and interviews with alien enthusiasts, viewers fear the channel’s credibility may be at risk after the channel’s recent decision to platform guest whose “fringe views” include that the pyramids were built by slaves […]
ST. LOUIS, MO — Beer scientists at Budweiser headquarters are reportedly hard at work researching how many cans of Bud Light it would take for Dylan Mulvaney to pass as a woman.
NEW YORK, NY — After turning himself in to be arraigned on multiple charges in Manhattan, President Donald Trump immediately began writing his first epistle to his loyal disciples in Florida. The letter, already being dubbed “1 Floridians,” is already highly anticipated by its future recipients.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT