BALTIMORE, MD — As the Trump administration prepared to make another attempt to send a dangerous foreigner with a criminal record out of the country, news broke that Kilmar Abrego Garcia was allegedly just one away from a free burrito on his deportation punch card.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his latest executive order, President Donald Trump has ordered that anyone who does not bow down to the American flag when the music plays shall be tossed into the fiery furnace.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a muted display of mourning, a group of somber Democrats commemorated the unprecedented streak of 10 murder-free days in Washington, D.C.
NEW YORK CITY — New York City has moved to adopt a new system whereby the mayorship will be awarded to the first candidate who can bench press the bar.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of the administration’s ongoing effort to remove illegal immigrants, President Trump has ordered the visa status reviewed of anyone with one of those weird “squiggly line n’s” in their name.
TUCSON, AZ — Local husband Ryan Masterson denied having consumed any radioactive Walmart shrimp, though his wife had her doubts due to his entire body emitting a soft neon green glow.
The Maryland home of former National Security Advisor John Bolton was raided by government agents today, leaving the public wondering what the FBI was looking for — and what they found.
BRISTOL, CT — ESPN hosts reminded the nation Friday that watching women’s basketball games is a mandatory activity strictly enforced by the governing authorities.
OCEANSIDE, CA — A family’s beach trip ended in disaster after they were cited by a state official for building a sand castle together without prior authorization from the California Coastal Commission.
NORCROSS, GA — Following the public relations disaster Cracker Barrel experienced this week after it introduced its new logo, popular restaurant chain Waffle House unveiled a successful strategy of just keeping everything the same forever.
NEW MEXICO — The government-funded Black Mesa Research Facility is currently in danger of being shut down after being hit with yet another OSHA violation.
BETHESDA, MD — Federal agents raided the home of former National Security Advisor John Bolton on Friday as part of a security probe involving classified documents. Unfortunately, the whereabouts of Bolton were currently unknown, as it was believed that he escaped by blending in with a nearby herd of walruses.
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Continuing his string of pulling off peace treaties that many thought to be impossible, President Donald Trump announced that he had successfully negotiated a historic truce between iPhone and Android users.
FRANKLIN, TN — According to sources, a local Gen Z college graduate who was now $200,000 in debt with a minimum wage job was celebrating by shopping for a new $750,000 home at 20% interest.
FRANKLIN, TN — According to sources, a local Gen Z college graduate who was now $200,000 in debt with a minimum wage job was celebrating by shopping for a new $750,000 home at 20% interest.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of his comprehensive overhaul of America’s national museums, President Donald Trump ordered the Smithsonian to display an exhibit of the now-defunct Cracker Barrel logo.
RIVERDALE, UT — A tragic scene ensued last night, as an introvert bit down on a cyanide capsule at his own birthday dinner as soon as the waiters started singing “Happy Birthday” to him.
U.S. — Times change, and we must change with them. That was the philosophy that prompted us to update our company logo to remove anything that could be construed as appealing or exciting.
LAKE FOREST, CA — According to local man Todd Lyons, there’s simply no room in the budget for his family to tithe as they are already having to spend $30,000 a year on travel baseball for their 10-year-old son.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump says that after a brief phone call with the violent storm, Hurricane Erin has agreed to change course away from the United States.
LOS ANGELES, CA — The California state government is once again under fire after the revelation it issued a Commercial Driver’s License to famed blind pianist Stevie Wonder.
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