CAPERNAUM — Town officials are concerned after receiving multiple complaints from faculty at Galilee’s School for the Blind this week after Jesus of Nazareth apparently went on a healing spree and decimated the school’s enrollment.
JACKSONVILLE, FL — In a stunning display of spiritual fortitude, Pastor Mark Thompson of the First Baptist Church preached 13 minutes past his allotted time during Sunday’s service, declaring that “this has gotta be the start of a revival!”
EAST PALESTINE, OH — Following the February 3rd train derailment and subsequent chemical release and controlled burn in the area, it was announced that the entire city of East Palestine, Ohio has been purchased by billionaire tech mogul/philanthropist/civilization-reshaper Bill Gates for the low price of just 50 dollars.
KYIV — President Biden paid a visit to Ukraine to reaffirm America’s unwavering commitment to the country’s democracy, sovereignty, and military-industrial complex while also picking up a few things Hunter asked about, including his paycheck.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, Vice President Kamala Harris became distraught this weekend after discovering that the president admitted to hospice was only Jimmy Carter. Harris, who has been waiting patiently for Joe Biden to die, fought back the tears of disappointment when she discovered the current sitting president was alive and well, albeit […]
NEW YORK, NY — On Monday morning, Don Lemon went to host his morning show again after CNN placed him on leave for saying Nikki Haley, 51, was “past her prime” and making his co-hosts visibly uncomfortable. Reports confirm he stormed back off the set in disgust after discovering female co-hosts were even older than […]
KYIV — Multiple insider sources reported a hushed nervousness was felt throughout President Joe Biden’s entire entourage today as he arrived in Kyiv, Ukraine for his annual performance review with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky.
BOSTON, MA — Local man Alan Rogers was confirmed to be completely dead inside after he failed to shed a single tear upon hearing ‘Amazing Grace’ played on bagpipes.
NEW YORK, NY — With the results of a recent poll indicating 74% of Americans no longer trust the mainstream media, analysts were greatly troubled by the fact that an alarming 26% of people still trust what the media tells them.
TOKYO — The Prime Minister of Japan admitted today that sushi was a giant prank by the people of Japan to see if they could get people to actually eat raw fish.
CLEVELAND, OH — The NFL’s Cleveland Browns are reportedly breathing a collective sigh of relief now the devastating derailment and subsequent toxic chemical release in East Palestine means that their franchise is no longer considered the largest train wreck in Ohio.
BRANSON, MO — A young local student was forced to defend his integrity after his science project — a homemade weather balloon designed to collect atmospheric data — was destroyed by a Sidewinder missile fired from a strafing F-22 fighter jet.
NEW YORK, NY — CNN anchor Don Lemon is reportedly watching Matt Walsh’s What Is A Woman? documentary in an effort to better understand his female co-hosts and stop saying stupid things.
SPRING HILL, TN — Experts have uncovered a new phenomenon in the revivalism industry: a “revival” that occurs every Sunday where God’s people gather to worship and receive the means of grace.
U.S. — Meteorologists across North America have been seen on live television struggling to report the weather now that all of the weather balloons have been shot down.
WASHINGTON, DC — Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman checked himself into Walter Reed Medical Center in the nation’s capital to seek treatment for clinical depression after coming to the realization that he was a member of the United States Congress.
EAST PALESTINE, OH — In a powerful display of solidarity with the LGBTQ+ community, Norfolk Southern dumped thousands of gallons of toxic chemicals into the Ohio River to create beautiful rainbow-colored water.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a bid to both stay ahead of the technological curve and help usher in the end of the world, tech companies continue to repeatedly comb through every dystopian science fiction novel they can find in order to come up with their next ideas.
CHINO HILLS, CA — The ongoing blurring of gender lines reached yet another milestone today, as a local man frantically and effeminately shooed a bee away from his face, resulting in him being granted honorary womanhood.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House physician has released a full report on Biden’s annual physical exam, confirming the President is, technically speaking, still alive. “Yes, he’s pushing air in and out of his lungs,” said Dr. Kevin O’Connor. “Also his heart’s beating. So yeah, he’s still alive medically.” The report went on to say […]
EAST PALESTINE, OH — Despite recent hardship, the quaint village of East Palestine has seen a surge in real estate sales as embittered Californians seek refuge in a state promising a better quality of life.
SALISBURY, MD — Nationwide news outlets have begun reporting on a historic event: a local nurse has set a new record for time elapsed without mentioning her occupation being nursing, waiting a grand total of 3.0011 minutes.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT