WASHINGTON, D.C. — Pete Buttigieg, the Transportation Secretary under President Biden, has reportedly been binge-watching the children’s show Thomas the Tank Engine in an effort to understand the recent wave of train derailments that have been plaguing the United States.
WASHINGTON, DC — An envoy of extraterrestrial beings stifled their frustration and asked to be taken to a different leader after their initial meeting with President Joe Biden left them confused and exasperated, sources say.
MADISON, WI — Despite a long history of experts, gurus, and mothers-in-law who have claimed to have fully figured out parenting, a new study from a major university has concluded that every single parent since time began has been “winging it,” “making it up as they go,” and using “trial and error” when rearing up […]
EAST PALESTINE, OH — Government officials are warning residents of East Palestine to protect themselves from deadly health risks by making sure they’ve received the latest COVID booster.
TUSTIN, CA — A local man wallowed in frustration today while wrestling with the idea that the Almighty God, Creator of the universe, with infinitely more wisdom than any human, could possibly have a different opinion than he has.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg has proudly announced that the U.S. has managed to go a whole 24 hours without any trains flying off the tracks and exploding into balls of fire while spewing deadly chemicals into the air.
CHARLESTON, SC — Former Governor and Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Hayley announced Tuesday that she has launched her campaign for someone to select her as a running mate in their future presidential bid.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Representative Ilhan Omar has canceled a planned rally to support the victims of the East Palestine chemical spill after learning East Palestine is actually in America.
KANSAS CITY, MO — Local lawmakers and citizens alike were surprised to find that legalizing the recreational use of marijuana produced no negative results, except for the fact that the entire city now smells like weed.
The COVID pandemic opened our eyes to the legitimacy of conspiracy theories when they started being proven true left and right. Naturally, we started paying attention.
KALAMAZOO, MI — With sheepishness in his voice and a spot of Three-Pepper Sauce™ on his collar, local accountant Zed Filbertson was seen on a call with his credit card company, informing them that yes, regretfully he was actually eating at Arby’s for the third time that day.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a last-minute address to a concerned nation, Biden assured the American public that he will confront the current alien invasion once he has successfully defeated hotel junk fees.
GLENDALE, AZ — After an exciting, hard-fought, back-and-forth gridiron battle between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Kansas City Chiefs, the NFL proudly announced that the referees had been named MVP of the Super Bowl LVII.
LAKE HURON, MI — Following a fourth report of an unidentified object being shot down across North America, U.S. military leadership and the North American Aerospace Defense Command have announced increased monitoring of North American skies. In unrelated news, this Canadian goose is getting suspicious that an F-18 is following him.
EAST PALESTINE, OH — Residents of a small Ohio town have been forced to evacuate after a deadly spill of vinyl chloride and butyl acrylate chemicals from a train derailment caught fire and destroyed surrounding farmland, waterways, and livestock. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg was quick to respond, promising to investigate the tragedy for signs of […]
HEAVEN — According to sources, God is really excited about the “He Gets Us” ad campaign that ran during the Super Bowl and is hoping the slick marketing will finally give him some much-needed exposure.
GLENDALE, AZ — The Super Bowl referees held a brief meeting before the game began to go ahead and decide which team will take home the Lombardi trophy.
PHILADELPHIA, PA — To prepare for the aftermath of either winning or losing a football game, the citizens of Philadelphia have decided to pre-emptively raze the city to the ground.
Just when you think you have heard the most insane story possible about Congressman George Santos, the mad lad (lady?) tops himself again! Here we have collected seven more totally preposterous, but one-hundred-percent true stories about George Santos:
HELL — Sources in Hades have announced that Satan will finally be opening the underworld’s first Chick-Fil-A franchise, but it will only serve cauliflower sandwiches.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden has spent the weekend putting together a beautiful arrangement of the most lethal, advanced weaponry in existence to send to President Zelensky for Valentine’s Day.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT