Amidst the eyebrow-raising claims and unintelligible shouting, President Joe Biden also proposed twelve new taxes during his State of the Union Address on Tuesday night. In addition to boosting a lagging economy by further oppressing taxpayers, Biden hopes to improve public morale by taking more of their money and sending it to Ukraine.
U.S. — As inflation and consumer prices continue to soar, world-renown master painter and influence salesman Hunter Biden has announced that all corrupt dealings with foreign oligarchs will now include a 15% surcharge for the “Big Guy.”
IRVINE, CA — FDA officials specializing in the field of genuine Mexican food have released a comprehensive, peer-reviewed report confirming no link between eating Taco Bell and immediately suffering from explosive diarrhea, and that Taco Bell was “safe and effective.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Feminists and other Communists are leveling criticism against “uppity” Congresswoman and Marjorie Taylor Greene for speaking out of turn at this week’s State of the Union and rudely interrupting an old white male who was trying to speak.
U.S. — The Catholic church is currently being infiltrated by a number of undercover FBI agents who are partaking in the sacraments, earning indulgences, and even becoming priests. According to Bishop Robert Barron, who personally caught and interrogated one of the agents in a Vatican blacksite, the bureau appears to be looking into a mysterious […]
WASHINGTON, DC — Tensions among Republican members of Congress are on the rise after Utah Senator Mitt Romney confronted New York Congressman George Santos in the House chamber prior to President Biden’s State of the Union address Tuesday night, with Romney reportedly telling Santos that there is only room for one fake Republican in Congress.
GREENVILLE, SC — After years of warning that the witchcraft in Harry Potter is an existential danger to the youth, fundamentalist Christians are delighted to hear that liberals are now warning that the Harry Potter books represent an existential danger to the youth and should be burned.
Investing your money is tough when your savings account can’t even keep up with inflation. How are we supposed to avoid abject poverty? Fear no more lower-to-middle-class folks! Drawing on the wisdom of 12 wealthy investors, we uncovered strategies to help everyday people protect their wealth in times of uncertainty and inflation.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a tense Congressional Hearing, deductive polymath Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez put a widespread conspiracy theory to rest when she vocally insisted that there were no hysterectomies being performed on minors because most of them are too busy working in the mines anyway.
SHECHEM — A young sheep in Israel was left horrified today after it suddenly dawned on him that he was, in fact, a young male lamb without any spots or blemishes, giving him every indication that his life would end at a very early age.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The political world was upended Tuesday following President Biden’s SOTU speech when it was revealed Republicans and Democrats were surprisingly divided on his performance. Republicans claim that Biden’s speech was reprehensible and “the worst thing to come out of our nation since parachute pants,” while Democrats believe it to be the best […]
U.S. — The NBA has confirmed that in addition to setting a new scoring record, LeBron James has broken the record for the largest number of flops in basketball history.
WASHINGTON, DC — People across the nation breathed a sigh of relief as President Joe Biden used his State of the Union address to assure the American people that Ukraine is making tremendous progress and is stronger than it has ever been before.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Local authorities have issued a Silver Alert after several on Capitol Hill reported seeing a lost old man yelling incoherently at people. The subject is described as an elderly man about 6 feet tall with silver-colored hair plugs and dentures. Caretakers confirmed the man has late-stage dementia and must be returned to […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona will be delivering America’s first-annual “State of the Groomers” speech this evening, sources say.
WASHINGTON, DC — After seeing his dazzlingly satanic performance at the Grammys, the Biden Administration has invited gay nonbinary singer Sam Smith to perform at the State of the Union.
ITASCA, IL — The American Academy of Pediatrics has announced new recommendations for treating childhood strep throat using puberty blockers. According to sources, the new guidelines came after repeated requests from Pfizer, Planned Parenthood, and a small mob of blue-haired people outside threatening to burn down their Illinois headquarters.
LINCOLN, NE — J.D. Beutler, local patent lawyer and father of daughters, was seen returning home from Battalion Bazaar Army Surplus with a full hazmat suit, a titanium-lined drain auger, and an unwavering gleam in his eye as he prepared to clean the shower drain.
PUEBLO, CO — In a stunning reversal, Congresswoman Lauren Boebert of Colorado has reportedly decided not to spend eternity in Heaven after finding out there won’t be firearms there. The lawmaker made her choice following a disappointing conversation with her pastor.
WASHINGTON, DC — In a move designed to both bring in some extra revenue for the federal government as well as send a message of encouragement to the public to get vaccinated, tonight’s State of the Union address from President Joe Biden will be sponsored by Pfizer.
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U.S. — The Japanese “Queen of Tidy” Marie Kondo has announced a brand new Netflix series following the birth of her third child. Whereas her previous show, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, focused on a minimalist lifestyle by ridding the home of things that no longer “spark joy,” her new show will focus on her […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, President Biden’s team is planning to submerge the President in a bacta tank tonight so his mind and body will be prepared for his upcoming State of the Union address. White House aides are hopeful the Bacta fluid will put a skip in the elderly president’s step and sharpen […]
WATERTOWN, SD — A local mother caused irreparable harm to her teenage son today, committing the cardinal sin of existing outside of the family home and being visible to anyone he knows.
LOS ANGELES, CA — In a rare public statement, The Prince of Darkness has distanced himself from last night’s Grammys performance by Sam Smith, which he denounced as “cringy” and “appalling.”
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT