LA JOLLA, CA — Local man Josiah Burt veered dangerously close to ending his day in peace after hours of productive work, family time, and spiritual sensitivity. Reports say that while brushing his teeth, he visited Twitter, barely saving him from a sense of calm and well-being lasting into bedtime.
BEIJING — The Chinese Communist Party has assured world leaders that the massive fleet of warships heading toward Taiwan is just checking on the weather in the Taiwan Strait.
HUNTSVILLE, AL — Despite having faithfully shepherded his congregation for twelve years, local Pastor Reagan Johnson has been removed from his post after a concerned congregant notified the elder board of his failing to have “Husband. Father. Pastor.” in his bio on Twitter.
U.S. — The Pentagon officially went ahead with their plan to shoot down the Chinese spy balloon as it was getting too close to Ukraine’s borders, sources confirmed Saturday.
WORLD — In a surprise statement to the world from the White House Situation Room, President Biden has announced America’s unconditional surrender to the Chinese Spy Balloon.
GREAT FALLS, MT — This week, a Chinese spy balloon flew over Montana, sparking questions and panic among foreign relations staffers and civilians alike. Most Congresspeople have engaged in saber-rattling, but reports have emerged of Rep. Eric Swalwell saying “Why hello there, beautiful,” and suavely approaching the sexy Chinese spy balloon.
SPOKANE, WA — Local CPA Bill Hastings is now heading into his third week of having a kernel of popcorn stuck in his teeth. He is reportedly uncomfortable and seeking counseling for depression.
BEIJING — As American media outlets buzzed with stories about the mysterious balloon spotted flying over the state of Montana, new reports leaking out from Chinese sources appear to confirm that the spy balloon was launched in an effort to discover secrets about classified fork technology.
BURBANK, CA — Local mother of three Claire von Vanvaughn has reportedly had it “up to here” with her children. Their indiscriminate refusal to clean up after themselves seems to have forced the exhausted mother to threaten that, if they continue ignoring her demands, so help her, she will clean the rooms herself.
U.S. — Americans are up in arms after a Chinese high-altitude spy balloon was seen hovering over sensitive nuclear sites in Montana. Biden was quick to quell fears, vowing to shoot down the hostile balloon as soon as he’s done letting it spy.
MAR-A-LAGO — Former President Trump has kicked off his 2024 campaign by attacking fellow Republican Ron DeSantis, blaming the Florida governor for not firing Dr. Fauci and for pushing a poorly-tested vaccine on the entire nation.
TUCSON, AZ — According to legend, local man William Scarborough stopped to hold the door open for people entering behind him at an IHOP 27 years ago and he’s been stuck there ever since. Every time he thinks he can finally let go of the door and sit down for some pancakes, more people show […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After being removed from the Foreign Affairs Committee over anti-semitic remarks, Representative Ilhan Omar laid the blame on a secret cabal of Jews working against her.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Sources inside Twitter headquarters have confirmed Elon Musk and his team of brilliant engineers have been working tirelessly to get Twitter back to its normal state of allowing Twitter user Catturd to go viral. Those close to Twitter’s new CEO say he is now in the building’s basement flipping random switches […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The 2023 National Prayer Breakfast came to an abrupt and premature end today due to severe lightning that kept striking the building where the politicians were gathered.
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA — Locals and Groundhog Day enthusiasts alike were caught off-guard today, as the eponymous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, emerged from his burrow and declared to the crowd gathered at Gobbler’s Knob that there was a cache of documents marked “Classified” in his underground home.
U.S. — Several users of the remarkable software ChatGPT are reporting an apparent glitch that occurs whenever someone asks the AI to say something nice about Donald Trump.
PORTLAND, OR — Local progressive and Anitfa member Declan Johnson has started to question his commitment to the communist revolution over concerns about a potential lack of gluten-free bread lines.
WASHINGTON, DC — According to several sources, CNN has reached out to President Joe Biden for a consultation on how to make up stories and still escape being branded as deceptive.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT