ALEXANDRIA, VA — According to sources, a local self-ordering kiosk at an overpriced cafe that sells self-serve coffee just asked if you would like to add a tip to a $12 coffee order.
DETROIT, MI — A local man is being forced to leave behind friends, family, and even his own name to seek his fortune in a far-off country after accidentally ending a business call by saying “I love you.”
WASHINGTON, DC — The world has never been closer to the brink of total nuclear annihilation, according to President Joe Biden’s comments at a press conference in between strategy sessions to continue waging his proxy war with nuclear-armed Russia.
BETHANY — Scholars working in the Holy Land learned an interesting tidbit today: the woman who anointed Jesus with oil – Mary of Bethany, a Bethany-dwelling woman whose name was Mary – actually performed the act of worship during an extended sales presentation for essential oils.
LOS ANGELES, CA — The gay romantic comedy Bros saw a disappointing first weekend at the box office. Box office analysts are shocked that a movie aimed at 2% of the population fell short of attracting a broader audience.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, President Biden issued pardons to convicts who had been imprisoned for marijuana possession to make room for the influx of pro-life activists who Federal agents have been arresting.
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Woke Hollywood has made another despicable move to turn children’s entertainment into a weapon of their cultural war. This time, they have turned another beloved children’s character gay — oh, wait, it’s Velma? Eh. sure, whatever. Go for it.
Being a homophobic bigot is one of the worst things you can be. It’s just like being Hitler! To make sure you’re not a homophobic bigot, keep an eye out for these eight troubling signs. If you show any one of these symptoms, get help immediately.
AUSTIN, TX — Hopes for a quick and easy transaction for billionaire-inventor-entrepreneur Elon Musk’s purchase of the popular social media platform Twitter were dashed today as it was revealed Musk’s ATM would only allow him to withdraw $200 at a time.
TAMPA, FL — After her divorce with Tom Brady becomes finalized, supermodel Gisele Bundchen is expected to own three times as many Super Bowl rings as legendary Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers.
AUSTIN, TX — A Tesla spokesperson announced that Elon Musk’s new robot, the Tesla Optimus, has already fathered 7 baby robots. The announcement came as a shock both to Tesla and the greater engineering community.
KANSAS CITY, MO — A local man has achieved the unthinkable and miraculously arrived home on time and in good health despite not having his wife with him in the car to provide constant safe driving instructions.
GREEN BAY, WI — Psychologists and sex experts are flocking to Wisconsin to study a local man who claims to have a bizarre fetish for settling down with one woman in a committed, loving relationship in the bonds of marriage forever and ever.
America’s national debt just passed $31 trillion for the first time in history. Yikes! Don’t worry though, we at The Babylon Bee have a few brilliant money-raising ideas up our sleeves that Congress probably hasn’t heard of yet.
FORT MYERS, FL — With hurricane deaths reaching pandemic levels, Pfizer has announced emergency FDA approval of their new, untested hurricane vaccine, Hurriprofitol®.
MAR-A-LAGO — Hip-hop artist and fashion designer Kanye West was embroiled in controversy this week after wearing a shirt bearing the phrase “White Lives Matter” across its back. Not to be outdone, former President Donald Trump caused a stir of his own as he made a public appearance in an “Orange Lives Matter” shirt. Powered […]
NASHVILLE, TN — This week, U.S. President Joe Biden called into the radio show of personal finance guru Dave Ramsey, asking for financial advice for paying off his $31 trillion debt.
NEW YORK CITY, NY — Yankees outfielder Aaron Judge has hit his 62nd home run, setting the American League single-season record for someone with a normal-sized head.
WHEATON, IL — The evangelical world is abuzz after VeggieTales creator Phil Vischer, who recently said he supports abortion in some cases, announced a brand new film in which beloved character Laura Carrot aborts her baby carrot.
NEW YORK CITY, NY — Saturday Night Live has launched yet another season featuring more parodies of former President Donald Trump. The cast and crew stated they would love to make fun of the current president too if only he ever did anything at all deserving of mockery.
PARIS — Homeless vagrant Jean-Michel de Beauvoir won the coveted Palme d’Louvre award for Best in Fashion after stumbling onto the stage during Paris Fashion Week during a Balenciaga show.
U.S. — Three months have passed since the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, and Planned Parenthood has since struggled to reach its goals of lovingly killing unborn babies and harvesting their parts for money due to conservative states outlawing the practice. As a result, the organization has begun to hire long-range snipers to perform […]
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