EL SEGUNDO, CA — In a renewed effort to make inroads with conservative families in the wake of concerns over previous “woke” products, toy manufacturer Mattel announced a new ICE Agent Ken doll.
DENVER, CO — Logistical challenges quickly presented themselves at a local gathering of alternative lifestyle enthusiasts, as a long line for the bathroom developed because there was only one fire hydrant outside the furry convention.
SACRAMENTO, CA — An inspiring story emerged amid the ongoing immigration controversy, as Governor Gavin Newsom founded an Underground Railroad to help Mexican kids travel to work on California’s marijuana farms.
ANAHEIM, CA — A moment of awkwardness arose over the weekend, as Disneyland staff had to politely inform JD Vance that the park was closing and he would have to get off Ariel’s Undersea Adventure now.
WASHINTON, D.C. — Former President Joe Biden’s teleprompter cleared up some recent controversy in a statement it released Monday, stating it personally approved of all the autopen pardons during the Biden presidency.”I personally and single-handedly approved every pardon signed by the autopen machine,” The teleprompter said in yellow lettering across its screen. “As the acting […]
Have you ever wanted to put those pesky Christians in their place? Better yet, are you a person who claims to be a Christian, but you want to just live however you want without any accountability or correction from other Christians? An amazing new life hack could do the trick!
WASHINGTON, D.C. — To avoid further controversy over her unorthodox lines of questioning and uninformed opinions on Supreme Court cases, Chief Justice John Roberts reportedly gave Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson a Magnadoodle to keep her busy during oral arguments.
SZCZECIN — A Europe that was already on the brink of war seemed poised to boil over into chaos on Monday, as news broke that Elmo had led a division of Panzer tanks across the Polish border.
SACRAMENTO, CA — A piece of the Golden State’s heritage was lost today, as the iconic grizzly bear that had adorned the California state flag announced that he had officially moved to Texas.
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — In what political experts said was a bold move to reach across ideological boundaries, President Donald Trump honored the gay community by attending a soccer match.
TATOOINE — Despite rumors circulating that the infamous gangster had transformed his look with the help of the trendy weight-loss drug, the now 150-pound Jabba the Hutt issued a public statement denying the use of Ozempic.
U.S. — CNN took time out of its broadcast today to mark the one-year anniversary of the time President Trump fell over at a rally after some loud popping noises.
COLUMBUS, OH — Researchers at The Ohio State University have concluded a decades-long study that confirms once and for all that it really is all Steve’s fault.
WORLD — Christians across the globe have decided to put aside their petty differences and unite for the greater purpose of sharing the Gospel of Jesus with the world. Just joshing! They’re actually fighting each other online.
Generation Z is hitting the work force, and these young whipper snappers have uncovered some of the most brilliant life hacks you can imagine. Here are eight of their most ingenious discoveries:
JURASSIC PARK — A scientist working on the seventh iteration of Jurassic Park asked his bosses today if perhaps they should consider making the dinosaurs out of papier-mâché this time.
ORLANDO, FL — What began as a normal day at the Magic Kingdom descended into a near-riot atmosphere, as — due to a malfunction — The Hall of Presidents’ animatronic Donald Trump kept rounding up all of the Mexican guests and attempting to deport them from Disney World.
HOGWARTS — Headmaster Albus Dumbledore admitted he was beginning to question the sensibility of having an entire house of students named after an evil snake that’s dedicated to perpetuating racist ideas and destroying Hogwarts.
BOSTON, MA — Local atheist and president of The Enlightened Rationalist Guild of Supreme Cognition (ERGSC) Steve Wimbly admitted to several close friends that recent struggles had shaken his faith in the existence of nothing.
BOSTON, MA — Local atheist and president of The Enlightened Rationalist Guild of Supreme Cognition (ERGSC) Steve Wimbly admitted to several close friends that recent struggles had shaken his faith in the existence of nothing.
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