News broke this morning that the United States and Iran have agreed to the framework of a peace deal, and our investigative team here at The Babylon Bee has managed to secure a leaked copy. Here, presented for the first time anywhere, are the terms each side has committed to:
U.S. — After yet another failed assassination attempt against President Trump yesterday, the national media has agreed to just start reporting when Trump wasn’t shot at.
BANGOR, ME — Democratic Senate candidate Graham Platner has smoothed things over with supporters by covering up his Nazi death squad tattoo with a new tattoo of the communist hammer and sickle.
Getting a little tired of youth pastors teaching the Parable of the Talents and then asking you to go stack some chairs? Consider telling everyone you have the spiritual gift of encouragement.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard was forced to resign on Friday after President Donald Trump discovered that she’s not blonde.
NEW BRITAIN, CT — Local tax preparer Frank MacArthur recently discovered an amazingly effective way to lose weight that makes simple use of crippling stress and anxiety.
DES MOINES, IA — After a tense end-of-month budgeting session, local couple Derek and Amanda Hollister confirmed on Friday that “throw pillows” had once again narrowly edged out “food” as the family’s largest monthly expense.
Talk show host Steven Colbert signed off this week after CBS aired his final episode of The Late Show, leaving him on the hunt for his next professional endeavor. But what will he do next?
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump confirmed on Friday that, instead of attending his son’s wedding in the Bahamas, he had a very special surprise for him: Cuba.
U.S. — The Democratic National Committee released its autopsy this week of what went wrong in the 2024 election cycle, the contents of which turned out to just be the results of an autopsy performed on former President Joe Biden.
CAMBRIDGE — Scholars at Cambridge University now believe the biblical John the Baptist only went by that name to distinguish himself from other prominent Johns of the period, particularly John the Presbyterian.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Popular house-purchasing platform Zillow added a new feature this week that helpfully informs users of which houses in Southern California are currently on fire.
U.S. — Members of the generation that oversaw putting America $39 trillion in debt gathered in solidarity this week to lecture Gen Z about its reckless financial habits.
U.S. — With The Late Show scheduled to end its 33-year run on Thursday night, the nation was looking forward to not watching Stephen Colbert one last time.
U.S. — Following news that Senator Thomas Massie had lost his bid for re-election, several politicians have reportedly begun offering media personality Tucker Carlson up to $1 million dollars if he agrees not to endorse them.
NORFOLK, VA — A member of Generation Z reportedly starved to death while waiting for a DoorDash delivery that would never come, authorities confirmed Wednesday.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking case that legal experts predicted would set a historic precedent for generations to come, the United States Supreme Court agreed on Wednesday to hear an argument between siblings over which one of them had called shotgun.
LONDON — In the wake of yet another deadly stabbing of a British citizen at the hands of a migrant, authorities in the United Kingdom issued a stern warning to all native residents to stop being stabbed to death by Muslims.
EPHESUS — Struggling to stretch his third letter to the recommended length, the Apostle John cleverly used 1.5-spacing, extra wide margins, and wrote in a generous 22-point font.
