ALEXANDRIA, VA — Inspired by the Trump White House’s move toward 50-year mortgages, popular burger chain Five Guys announced it would be addressing the ongoing “Five Guys Affordability Crisis” with convenient 50-year burger financing.
AUBURN HILLS, MI — Truck manufacturer Dodge unveiled new headlights today that would come standard with new models and were designed specifically to blast gamma ray bursts into your eyeballs.
FRAMINGHAM, MA — Going out in public during the holiday season without being overcome with the desire to shove an icepick in your ears will be possible once again this year, as Bose introduced its new Mariah Carey-canceling headphones just in time for Christmas.
U.S. — With the penny no longer being minted, shoe manufacturers announced that they were working hard to replace the old penny loafer slip-on shoe design with an exciting new nickel loafer.
NEW YORK, NY — As part of a change in immigration policy designed to limit the incoming of foreign nationals with chronic health issues, the poem posted on the Statue of Liberty was updated to read “No Fatties.”
DALLAS, TX — The children’s pastor of Flame Passion Born Again Friends Fellowship Church caught the community’s attention after she gave an inspiring children’s church teaching that was once again jam-packed with heresies.
NEW YORK, NY — Political commentator Megyn Kelly quietly tossed her pager in the trash this week in what her team described as “an abundance of caution.”
The Ten Commandments have long been seen as the backbone of societal laws for thousands of years, but did you know that there were other commandments that didn’t make the list?
SEATTLE — Jenny McCoy, a local bookstore clerk with deep anxiety over climate change, reportedly transferred so much of her own trauma over to her emotional support dog that her emotional support dog had gotten an emotional support dog.
WOODSTOCK, ME — On a mission to set right the great wrongs perpetrated upon the world during World War II, controversial media personality Tucker Carlson announced that he had built a time machine to go back to the past and kill baby Winston Churchill.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After 232 years of continuous production, the final U.S. penny was minted in Philadelphia on Wednesday. To fill the void left in its absence, President Donald Trump reportedly instructed the U.S. Mint to move away from traditional currency and transition directly into the development of a cool line of POGs.
PALO ALTO, CA — A recent survey conducted by an advanced digital algorithm conclusively determined that the most oppressed person in the history of the world is, without a doubt, Michelle Obama.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the Senate approving a new funding bill and sending it across the hall for a House of Representatives vote set for Wednesday night, a group of top Democrats somberly removed their sombreros to signal the end of the government shutdown.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the Senate approving a new funding bill and sending it across the hall for a House of Representatives vote set for Wednesday night, a group of top Democrats somberly removed their sombreros to signal the end of the government shutdown.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bit of uplifting news today, a group of senile senior citizens in the D.C. area will finally be able to say that they have jobs.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bit of uplifting news today, a group of senile senior citizens in the D.C. area will finally be able to say that they have jobs.
HEAVEN — After throwing off this mortal coil, local man Kevin Reese was prepared to give an account of his life to God, only to find himself in line right behind Tim Tebow.
MIAMI, FL — Now that a majority of players have been arrested on charges of illegal sports gambling, the Miami Heat announced that the golden retriever affectionately known as “Air Bud” had finally been called up to play in the NBA.
PEARLY GATES — Heavenly sources confirmed that Saint Peter had grown weary running the front desk of Heaven due to the number of questions he continually received about the Nephilim.
LAUSANNE — The International Olympic Committee (IOC) formally revoked the right of transgender athletes to participate in sporting events of the gender they identify with after watching an old episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.
U.S. — Banks across the United States announced today that they would now require an applicant’s grandkids to co-sign on a 50-year mortgage “just in case.”
PENSACOLA, FL — As the end of his first semester at the local Bible college loomed ever nearer, freshman Jed Clines started to worry about his prospects of ever winning a wife.
WOODSTOCK, ME — Political commentator Tucker Carlson sparked controversy this week when he welcomed Bigfoot onto his show to discuss how mind-controlling chemtrails are sprayed over the flat earth by the Jews.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT