CAPERNAUM — Residents of several nearby villages were abuzz with excitement this week, as the traveling carpenter-turned-teacher Jesus of Nazareth healed a demon-possessed man by taking away his smartphone.
CASTRO MARIM, PORTUGAL — According to sources, American tourist Debrah Thompson’s mood soured Monday after seeing her husband gaze in wonderment at the Guadiana International Bridge, knowing in her heart that he would never look at her like she was a cool suspension bridge.
MICHEL DELVING — According to the Gaffer, medical professionals published a paper linking the high rate of cancer among Hobbits to the smoking of pipeweed, a correlation he called “queer.”
CHICAGO, IL — Residents of the Windy City noticed that it was beginning to look a lot like Christmas these days, as the Chicago Police Department kicked off the holiday season by unveiling festive red and green crime scene tape.
LANSING, MI — Local woman Mildred Donavon reportedly impressed her friends and family this week when she brought home the world’s most effective and affordable alarm clock.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Anguished gobbles were heard throughout the Beltway this morning, after news broke that President Donald Trump would be executing all the turkeys pardoned by former President Joe Biden’s autopen.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene announcing her resignation in January, the average IQ in Congress is expected to rise about 7,000 points.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration announced plans this week for the president to host a thrilling game show for members of Congress in which the audience must help determine who he executes next.
Provoked by Democratic lawmakers calling on the military to refuse orders from their commander-in-chief, President Donald Trump made several posts on Truth Social declaring a long list of crimes as sedition and punishable by death.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump was rushed to an emergency bunker below the East Wing following reports that a member of Hamas breached the White House perimeter.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump was rushed to an emergency bunker below the East Wing following reports that a member of Hamas breached the White House perimeter.
VATICAN CITY — Following his public statement condemning the Trump administration’s hardline immigration policies, a shocking new report indicated that 17 illegal immigrants had been found hiding under Pope Leo XIV’s hat.
SEATTLE, WA — The Microsoft Corporation announced today that they’ve developed a convenient new 47-factor authentication protocol for all Windows-enabled computers.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Lawmakers sent shockwaves around the globe with the Christmas season right around the corner, as Congress passed a resolution to release Santa Claus’ “Naughty or Nice” list.
U.S. — The results of a national survey revealed that nearly 90% of moviegoers were curious about what happened to the guy who made Aliens and Terminator 2, and then apparently just completely stopped making movies for some reason.
There’s no more noble aspiration than that of one day becoming a professional journalist, but many may feel intimidated or unequipped to pursue such an impressive career.
Los Angeles, CA — Walt Disney Studios unveiled the teaser trailer this week for a much-anticipated live-action remake of a beloved animated movie that is only 98% animated.
GRAND RAPIDS, MI — Local Toco Bell worker Austin Meyers remained unimpressed by a customer’s excellent Spanish accent when pronouncing the word ‘chalupa.’
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT