TUCSON, AZ — Parents of high school graduate David Simpson helped their son sound out the words on his diploma after the teen expressed frustration at not being able to read the words on the piece of paper.
CHICAGO, IL — The Chicago Police Department confirmed on Tuesday morning that every single resident of the city had been shot over the long holiday weekend.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Chuck Schumer reportedly spent Memorial Day alone with his thoughts after having killed all of his backyard barbecue guests the previous year by serving them raw hamburger beef infected with E. coli.
BETHLEHEM — As Ruth was about to come pick up extra crops left for her in the fields, workers reportedly spotted Boaz carefully arranging stalks of grain on the ground to spell out “Hey Gurl.”
The first Star Wars feature film in seven years should have been a grand event. But from the moment the opening text rolled, it was clear something was amiss. Yes, the story is classic pulp adventure, in the beloved style of Star Wars and Indiana Jones, but it was glaringly obvious that something was missing […]
News broke this morning that the United States and Iran have agreed to the framework of a peace deal, and our investigative team here at The Babylon Bee has managed to secure a leaked copy. Here, presented for the first time anywhere, are the terms each side has committed to:
U.S. — After yet another failed assassination attempt against President Trump yesterday, the national media has agreed to just start reporting when Trump wasn’t shot at.
BANGOR, ME — Democratic Senate candidate Graham Platner has smoothed things over with supporters by covering up his Nazi death squad tattoo with a new tattoo of the communist hammer and sickle.
Getting a little tired of youth pastors teaching the Parable of the Talents and then asking you to go stack some chairs? Consider telling everyone you have the spiritual gift of encouragement.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard was forced to resign on Friday after President Donald Trump discovered that she’s not blonde.
NEW BRITAIN, CT — Local tax preparer Frank MacArthur recently discovered an amazingly effective way to lose weight that makes simple use of crippling stress and anxiety.
DES MOINES, IA — After a tense end-of-month budgeting session, local couple Derek and Amanda Hollister confirmed on Friday that “throw pillows” had once again narrowly edged out “food” as the family’s largest monthly expense.
Talk show host Steven Colbert signed off this week after CBS aired his final episode of The Late Show, leaving him on the hunt for his next professional endeavor. But what will he do next?
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump confirmed on Friday that, instead of attending his son’s wedding in the Bahamas, he had a very special surprise for him: Cuba.
U.S. — The Democratic National Committee released its autopsy this week of what went wrong in the 2024 election cycle, the contents of which turned out to just be the results of an autopsy performed on former President Joe Biden.
CAMBRIDGE — Scholars at Cambridge University now believe the biblical John the Baptist only went by that name to distinguish himself from other prominent Johns of the period, particularly John the Presbyterian.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Popular house-purchasing platform Zillow added a new feature this week that helpfully informs users of which houses in Southern California are currently on fire.
U.S. — Members of the generation that oversaw putting America $39 trillion in debt gathered in solidarity this week to lecture Gen Z about its reckless financial habits.
U.S. — With The Late Show scheduled to end its 33-year run on Thursday night, the nation was looking forward to not watching Stephen Colbert one last time.
U.S. — Following news that Senator Thomas Massie had lost his bid for re-election, several politicians have reportedly begun offering media personality Tucker Carlson up to $1 million dollars if he agrees not to endorse them.
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