NORTH POLE — As operations at the North Pole ramped up in preparation for Christmas, Santa Claus confirmed that Hunter Biden was still on the “naughty” list despite receiving a full presidential pardon.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following his controversial announcement last night absolving his son of all criminal convictions and prosecution, news broke early this morning that President Joe Biden was forced to issue another pardon after Hunter went out and committed 17 more crimes overnight.
U.S. — While the government has repeatedly insisted that no one is above the law, sources confirmed today that some people are, in fact, above the law.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Officials within the FBI have warned that naming Kash Patel director of the Bureau could seriously undermine the agency’s work on not releasing the Epstein client list.
DAYTON, OH — A grown, adult male generally regarded as mentally sound pinned his entire emotional well-being for the next three days on a teenager who lives a thousand miles away kicking an oblong ball between sticks.
NORFOLK, VA — Local man Jason Thompson pondered heavily this morning whether to burn his eyeballs with an old car cigarette lighter or to watch Love, Actually.
CHICAGO, IL — Consumers across America were shocked and elated to land huge deals after finding out Dyson vacuums would be briefly on sale for the low, low price of just $7000 this Black Friday.
LOS ANGELES, CA — It’s official, the 2025 Major League Baseball season is over and the Los Angeles Dodgers have been preemptively declared World Series Champions for the foreseeable future after all other teams were forced to forfeit due to the Dodgers signing every baseball player currently in existence to a collective 30-year, $400 trillion […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Eager to join in on low Black Friday prices, excited lobbyists were seen lining up outside the U.S. Capitol to get early bird deals on all congressmen.
Alcoholism is a dangerous condition affecting millions across the United States each and every year, from the poorest among us to even very powerful government officials. It’s important to know when you have a problem so you can seek the help you need. Here are nine signs to look for when determining if you are […]
GREEN VALLEY LAKE, CA — Local man Landon Collings, 45, heroically volunteered to do the most important part of Thanksgiving meal preparations this year: staying out of the kitchen so his wife, Carla, could actually get things done.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Children sitting at the kids’ table during Kamala Harris’s family Thankgiving dinner were confused and “a little frightened” as she gave a speech urging them not to “let anyone steal your power,” sources confirmed Thursday.
OXFORD, MS — The Thanksgiving week turned ugly for one local family, as a southern wife was arrested and booked on charges of failing to serve drinks in Mason jars to people visiting her home.
It’s the fourth week of November, which means it’s time for us all to do a little introspection and consider what we are thankful for. The Babylon Bee made full use of its vast political and entertainment connections to ask a dozen prominent public figures what they are thankful for this year. Their answers may […]
BEIRUT — After announcing that an agreement had been reached for a pause in military operations, Israel asked Hezbollah to please wait by their pagers for a message to confirm what time the ceasefire would begin.
HOLLYWOOD, CA — While Peter Jackson’s stirring movies have become one of the most popular film adaptations of any book series in history, film critics and fans alike are raving about an even better adaptation of the Lord of the Rings which is just an old British guy reading the books out loud for 56 […]
TOLEDO, OH — Local man Jacob Nicholson repeatedly declared his love for pumpkin pie today while covering a 12-inch pie with an entire gallon of Reddi-Whip.
DENVER, CO — Denver Mayor Mike Johnston has just announced his plan to address the recent increase in sexual assaults across the city with by hunting down and deporting all of the female joggers.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Nursing a vicious hangover, Vice President Kamala Harris began to get a sinking feeling as she pulled out her phone to see if she had made any drunk posts last night.
U.S. — Vice President Kamala Harris released a video to let followers know that with the Presidential race over, she is now completely unburdened by sobriety.
It’s Thanksgiving week, which brings back memories of what you learned in school about the first Thanksgiving, where pilgrim settlers and natives gathered in peace to eat food, debate about who the land belonged to, and watch the Macy’s parade. But what about the things they didn’t teach you in school?
UNIVERSAL CITY, CA — After hearing that her new movie had a successful opening weekend, star Ariana Grande asked the film’s producers if Wicked had made enough money for her to finally have a hot meal.
JERUSALEM — The temple scribes and teachers were left in dumbfounded awe as a young boy from Nazareth named Jesus completed the Cracker Barrel peg game on his very first try.
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