DENVER, CO — Local mom Patricia McMullins, overwhelmed by a busy week of housework and raising her children, was reportedly hoping to unwind with a weekend of stressful activities that didn’t need to be done.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the Department of Health and Human Services reported that incoming Secretary Rober F. Kennedy, Jr. was preparing to unveil new school lunches that would replace the standard format of vegetables and milk with a 24-ounce ribeye steak and a White Claw.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the Department of Health and Human Services reported that incoming Secretary Rober F. Kennedy, Jr. was preparing to unveil new school lunches that would replace the standard format of vegetables and milk with a 24-ounce ribeye steak and a White Claw.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the Department of Health and Human Services reported that incoming Secretary Rober F. Kennedy, Jr. was preparing to unveil new school lunches that would replace the standard format of vegetables and milk with a 24-ounce ribeye steak and a White Claw.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the Department of Health and Human Services reported that incoming Secretary Rober F. Kennedy, Jr. was preparing to unveil new school lunches that would replace the standard format of vegetables and milk with a 24-ounce ribeye steak and a White Claw.
Not only is it morning in America once again, but it’s almost Thanksgiving morning in America. This year, Republicans have even more things to be thankful for. In the spirit of the upcoming holiday, The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of things conservatives can be thankful for:
FLINT, MI — A local suburban neighborhood was thrown into shock after news spread that housewife Eleanor Schmidt had just committed seppuku in shame after failing to clean her house before the cleaning lady arrived.
ATHENS, GA — Justice was finally served in the wake of an unspeakable tragedy, as after an illegal immigrant was found guilty of murdering an American citizen, Democrats sentenced him to only being allowed to fly coach from now on.
COVENTRY — Luxury vehicle manufacturer Jaguar Cars stunned the automobile industry by releasing a daring three-hour commercial featuring no car and just a naked man putting on a one-man show of the hit Broadway production Hamilton.
LOS ANGELES, CA — At the end of a transcontinental trip, a male passenger was reportedly disappointed that yet another flight he was aboard landed safely without a stewardess frantically asking if anyone could try to land the plane.
LONDON — A pair of post-menopausal lesbians announced they had fled the United States over concerns about forced pregnancies. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi revealed that they had taken refuge in the serene English countryside where they could be free from being forced to carry babies to term.
It’s a dark time to be a progressive. But it’s the Thanksgiving season, which means it’s time to be thankful to whatever non-specific deity or power you believe in. Let’s try to keep up that spirit of gratitude by reminding ourselves of these ten things libs can still be thankful for:
CAMBRIDGE, MA — A team of high-level researchers expanded its working hours this week to intensify efforts to finish an important project before the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) cuts its funding, as the scientists worked feverishly to complete a study on the effects of giving meth to jetpack-wearing hamsters.
ZOAR — In an attempt to help her find a homeopathic solution to her excessive sodium levels, local patriarch Lot suggested to his salt pillar wife that she should start drinking more water.
WORLD — In the most significant escalation yet of America’s involvement, President Biden has authorized Ukraine to use the Holy Hand Grenade in battle against the Russians.
NASHVILLE — The Southern Baptist Convention has long had a strict “frown upon” policy on dancing among its membership, but that’s about to change. The SBC’s executive committee announced Thursday that dancing is now permitted, provided it is the Trump Dance.
U.S. — In order to avoid further lawsuits, Sunny Hostin was forced to read a legal notice on camera acknowledging that not a single statement made on The View in the entire history of the show has been even remotely true.
It’s everywhere — Donald Trump’s trademark fist-pumping dance has officially gone viral. From Political rallies and social media to NFL stadiums and the UFC Octagon, there’s no escaping pop culture’s latest trend.
BAY SPRINGS, MS — A local Baptist church took its fundraising to a whole new level this week by selling an exciting pin-up calendar consisting of photos of different casseroles.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Costco announced this week that it would be rolling out new “Mormon Family Size” items for even larger families of a particular religious persuasion.
WASHINTON, D.C. — In a stealth move aimed at rounding up as many illegal immigrants as possible, President-Elect Donald Trump was reportedly finalizing plans to set up taco traps around the D.C. area.
WASHINTON, D.C. — Multiple Republican senators and representatives expressed worry that adding trans members to Congress would make their monthly coke orgies more awkward.
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