Moments From Victory Against Democrats, Republicans Decide To Start Attacking First Amendment (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 2nd 2024 11:43am EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — With Democrats across the country embroiled in vicious infighting, antisemitism, and takeovers of college campuses, Republicans have decided to remedy their impending victory by attacking the First Amendment.
Doctor Points On MRI To Part Of Man’s Brain Where ‘Seinfeld’ Bass Riff Has Been Playing For Over Two Decades (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 1st 2024 5:12pm EDTGRANDVIEW, MO — A patient’s lingering questions were finally answered today, as a doctor pointed out on an MRI scan to the part of the man’s brain where the Seinfeld bass riff has been playing for over two decades.
9 Reasonable Demands From Students Occupying Campus Buildings (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 1st 2024 4:43pm EDTMuch has been made about the student protesters occupying spaces on college campuses recently — but what do these masked, wanna-be revolutionaries actually want? The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of completely reasonable demands being made by students occupying campus buildings:
1Baby Patiently Waiting Until Fully Strapped In Car Seat To Unleash Diaper Apocalypse (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 1st 2024 2:43pm EDTRUIDOSO, NM — Local baby Oliver Daniels patiently waited to be completely strapped in his car seat before unleashing Armageddon in his diaper.
King Solomon Dies Of Old Age Waiting For 700 Wives To Decide On Restaurant (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 1st 2024 2:33pm EDTJERUSALEM — Sad news emerged from the royal palace today, as it was announced that King Solomon had died of old age while waiting for his 700 wives to decide on which restaurant to go to for dinner.
American Flag Defended By Frat Boy Heroes Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, And Dylan (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 1st 2024 2:02pm EDTCHAPEL HILL, NC — The American flag was defended from crazed protesters by a group of University of North Carolina fraternity brothers who have now been identified as Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan.
TRAGEDY: AOC Announces She Was Killed During NYPD Raid At Columbia And Is Dead Once More (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 1st 2024 1:12pm EDTNEW YORK — Congressional Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was tragically killed Tuesday night during a police raid at Columbia University in which hundreds of pro-Palestinian protesters were arrested.
New Study Finds Most Effective Treatment For Depression Watching Scrawny Libs Get Absolutely Manhandled By Police (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 1st 2024 12:45pm EDTU.S. — Advancements in ways to counter anxiety about the state of the country had experts encouraged, as a new study found the most effective treatment for depression to be watching scrawny libs getting absolutely manhandled by police.
History Repeats Itself As Communists Run Out Of Food (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - May 1st 2024 12:31pm EDTCOLUMBIA UNIVERSITY — In a shocking turn of events that nobody could have predicted, communists have once again run out of food. The commies at Columbia University lasted less than twelve hours before running out of food and pleading for humanitarian aid, setting a new record for the collapse of communist food supply.
8 Highly Effective Ways To Remove Protesters From Your Campus (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 30th 2024 7:35pm EDTIf you’re part of the administration of a major university, what you’ve seen on the news may have you feeling rather frightened. Say, for the sake of discussion, a large group of unruly students sets up an autonomous zone on campus and refuses to vacate. What can you do?
UCLA Replaces Student IDs With New Fashionable Identifying Armbands (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 30th 2024 6:20pm EDTLOS ANGELES, CA — In a new initiative to streamline the school’s identification process, UCLA announced it would be replacing previous student IDs with new fashionable identifying armbands.
‘I Like Coldplay,’ Man Says In Powerful Coming Out Speech (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 30th 2024 5:04pm EDTKANSAS CITY, MO — Local man Dave Barrett let friends and family know he was totally gay by announcing he loves the band Coldplay.
Church Leaders Get Russell Brand Up To Speed On Christian Theology With ‘VeggieTales’ Marathon (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 30th 2024 3:09pm EDTLONDON — In an attempt to lay a solid biblical foundation following his recent baptism, church leaders worked to get Russell Brand up to speed on Christian theology by sitting him down for a VeggieTales marathon.
Family Of Tumbleweeds Excitedly Makes Trip To Biden Rally (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 30th 2024 1:17pm EDTCHANDLER, AZ — After the Biden campaign announced their latest rally in the increasingly purple swing state of Arizona, a family of tumbleweeds excitedly made the journey to attend.
Trump: ‘It’s Time For Us To Put Aside Our Differences And Unite With Ron DePoopypants’ (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 30th 2024 1:06pm EDTMIAMI, FL — In a move designed to unite the Republican party and their camps of supporters who may still have hard feelings toward each other in the wake of a contentious primary, former President Donald Trump announced that he had made amends with a bitter rival.
Oh No! Indoctrinated Woke Extremists Destroy Woke Extremist Indoctrination Center (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 30th 2024 12:29pm EDTNEW YORK, NY — The world watched in horror last night as a large group of indoctrinated woke extremists destroyed a woke extremist indoctrination center.
Man Introduces Himself To Next-Door Neighbors Who Just Recently Moved In 9 Years Ago (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 29th 2024 6:17pm EDTCHINO, CA — Residents of a local neighborhood grew most closely knit this week, as a man introduced himself to his next door neighbors who had just recently moved in nine years ago.
10 Essential Life Skills Your Kid Will Learn At An Ivy League University (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 29th 2024 5:11pm EDTIvy Leagues have been making the headlines lately, but what can students actually learn at a prestigious university these days? The answers may surprise you.
Report: You’ve Gone Weeks Without Having The 1-877-KARS-4-KIDS Jingle Stuck In Your Head. Great Job. Keep It Up! (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 29th 2024 3:10pm EDTU.S. — According to sources, you have now gone several weeks without that delightful jingle from the 1-877-KARS-4-KIDS commercial stuck in your head on repeat.
Russell Brand’s Christianity Called Into Question After Revelation He Has Not Yet Memorized The Lyrics Of DC Talk’s ‘Jesus Freak’ (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 29th 2024 2:34pm EDTLONDON — Amid the fervor surrounding his profession of faith and recent baptism, comedian/actor Russell Brand’s Christianity was called into question after it was revealed that he has not yet memorized the lyrics of DC Talk’s “Jesus Freak.”
Biden Drops Support For Pro-Palestine Protestors After Realizing How Bad Their Hair Smells (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 29th 2024 2:14pm EDTU.S. — Despite initially voicing appreciation for students setting up anti-Israel protest camps on college campuses, President Joe Biden dropped his support for pro-Palestine protestors after realizing how bad their hair smells.
Nation Not So Worried About Communist Takeover After College Leftists Defeated By Banana (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 29th 2024 1:33pm EDTLOS ANGELES, CA — After fear of banana allergies caused communist pro-Palestine protestors at UCLA to scatter, the nation reported feeling slightly less worried about an eventual communist takeover of America.
To Avoid Falling, Biden To Traverse Lawn In Giant Hamster Ball (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 28th 2024 5:37pm EDTWASHINGTON, DC – In an ongoing effort to keep the President from running into stationary objects, Whitehouse staff placed Biden in a giant hamster ball this week for his own safety.
Kristi Noem Clarifies Killing Puppies Makes Up Only 3% Of What She Does (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 28th 2024 10:08am EDTPIERRE, SD — After detailing in a newly released book how she shot a puppy that was too hard to train, Governor Kristi Noem sought to clarify that killing puppies makes up only 3% of what she does.
‘I’m Sorry I Have To Do This,’ Says Kristi Noem Pumping Shotgun After Puppy Playfully Barks At Mailman (Satire)
The Babylon Bee - Apr 27th 2024 6:48pm EDTPIERRE, SD — After Governor Kristi Noem caught her puppy playfully barking at the mailman today, she broke out her 12-guage shotgun and apologized for what was about to happen.