SATIRE – San Francisco DA Announces Innovative New Plan To Arrest People For Breaking The Law
The Babylon Bee - Jul 15th 2022 12:30pm EDTSAN FRANCISCO, CA — San Francisco District Attorney Brooke Jenkins announced a bold new direction for the DA’s office Friday when she put forward an innovative new plan to arrest people who break the law.
SATIRE – Officials Announce They Put The Decimal In The Wrong Place, Inflation Actually 91%
The Babylon Bee - Jul 15th 2022 12:05pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — Labor Secretary Martin J. Walsh spoke with reporters Friday to clarify previous remarks that the rate of inflation had hit 9.1% in June. He explained that his office had accidentally placed the decimal in the wrong place and inflation is actually 91%, the highest it has ever been. He apologized for the […]
SATIRE – After Spending Month Teaching From Movie Clips, Church Wonders Why Nobody Studies Their Bible
The Babylon Bee - Jul 15th 2022 11:53am EDTINDEPENDENCE, MO — Staff members of a local non-denominational church have expressed confusion at their congregants’ lack of biblical literacy, despite an entire month of Sunday sermons based on popular movie clips.
SATIRE – Photos App Creates Beautiful Slideshow Of The Patio Furniture You Sold 4 Years Ago
The Babylon Bee - Jul 14th 2022 5:18pm EDTU.S. — The advanced AI algorithm built into your phone’s photo app has been studying you for years. It knows what you care about and what you think. It organizes all the people you take pictures of into categories and subcategories to help you find the best pictures exactly when you want to. And now […]
SATIRE – Youth Ministry Eliminates Teaching to Free Up More Time for Games and Pizza
The Babylon Bee - Jul 14th 2022 3:59pm EDTANAHEIM, CA — In order to allow for more game time and fun activities, the youth ministry of a local church has decided to get rid of preaching altogether. In the absence of actual biblical teaching, the teens in attendance will be free to spend more time on essential youth group activities like playing basketball […]
SATIRE – Warren Claims Pregnancy Centers Are Luring Women Onto A Big Red ‘X’ And Then Dropping A Piano On Their Heads
The Babylon Bee - Jul 14th 2022 3:13pm EDTCAMBRIDGE, MA — Elizabeth Warren has called for a full federal ban on pregnancy centers, claiming they’re killing helpless pregnant women by luring them onto a big red “X” and then dropping a piano on their heads.
SATIRE – 10 Ways To Spot The Closeted Conservative Working At Starbucks
The Babylon Bee - Jul 14th 2022 2:08pm EDTBeing a conservative working at Starbucks is more dangerous than being a Navy Seal behind enemy lines. If you want to play a fun game, try looking for the closeted conservative at your local Starbucks. There’s usually at least one. Just don’t out them, or you may ruin their lives!
SATIRE – Report: Inflation So Bad You Can Only Get 2.08 Grams Of Crack For The Same Price You Could Once Get 20.8 Grams
The Babylon Bee - Jul 14th 2022 1:27pm EDTLOS ANGELES, CA — Frustrated drug addicts report inflation has become so out of control, they are now only getting a tenth of the crack they used to be able to buy for the same price.
SATIRE – ‘Up Yours, Woke Moralists!’ Cries Jordan Peterson While Attempting To Ride The Ostriches At The Zoo
The Babylon Bee - Jul 14th 2022 11:41am EDTNASHVILLE, TN — Authorities were dispatched to the Nashville Zoo after Psychology professor and free-speech activist Jordan Peterson disregarded all signs saying “do not ride the ostriches” while shouting “up yours, woke moralists!” at the top of his lungs.
SATIRE – Humans Feeling Strange Compulsion To Praise Whoever Created This
The Babylon Bee - Jul 14th 2022 10:00am EDTSPACE — This week, NASA unveiled photos of distant galaxy clusters now visible from the world’s most powerful telescope. After seeing the images, millions have reported an uncontrollable urge to praise whoever may have created such a majestic, expansive universe.
SATIRE – 10 Ways To Survive At A Woke Corporation
The Babylon Bee - Jul 13th 2022 6:04pm EDTSo, you’re working for a woke corporation. Sad! It’s a hard life working for “the man,” and it’s even harder when “the man” is a non-binary pansexual neurodivergent transspecies disabled person who will fire you if you misgender them. How will you ever survive?
SATIRE – Biden Vows To Help All Minorities Whether They Are ‘Black, Yellow, Or Taco’
The Babylon Bee - Jul 13th 2022 5:20pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — In a touching address to the American people this week, Biden acknowledged that many minorities are struggling in this economy, and vowed to work hard to help them, whether they are “black, yellow, or taco.”
SATIRE – Febreze Introduces New Maximum-Strength Formula For Jr. High Boys’ Bedrooms
The Babylon Bee - Jul 13th 2022 4:31pm EDTCINCINNATI, OH — Proctor & Gamble has released a brand new maximum-strength version of its popular Febreze air freshener product designed to combat the intense odor of bedrooms occupied by Jr. High-aged boys. The powerful air freshener comes in a specially engineered canister that allows desperate parents to spray the high-potency contents all at once. […]
SATIRE – Warren Condemns Underground Railroad For Tricking Slaves Into Escaping
The Babylon Bee - Jul 13th 2022 2:58pm EDTBOSTON, MA — Senator Elizabeth Warren is condemning the Underground Railroad for using devious and deceptive tactics to trick slaves into escaping their masters.
SATIRE – Waffle House Shuts Down 16 Locations As Areas Become Too Nice And Crime-Free
The Babylon Bee - Jul 13th 2022 2:28pm EDTNEW YORK, NY — Multiple Waffle House locations have been forced to close their doors permanently following an uptick in public safety and a drastic reduction in crime. The Waffle House locations were simply no longer able to function in pristine, well-funded areas that their customers were not used to.
SATIRE – Americans Offer To Trade LeBron To Russia For Brittney Griner
The Babylon Bee - Jul 13th 2022 1:05pm EDTU.S. — In a bid to get WNBA star Brittney Griner out of Russian prison and back home to the states where she belongs, Americans have eagerly stepped up to offer up LeBron James as a substitute.
SATIRE – Bucc-ee’s Beaver Announces Run For Texas Governor
The Babylon Bee - Jul 13th 2022 11:41am EDTNEW BRAUNFELS, TX — Despite an already crowded field consisting of popular incumbent Greg Abbott, Irish drug-addict Robert O’Rourke, and several unknown candidates, a dark horse candidate has threatened to upset the governor’s race: Bucc-ee Beaver announced his candidacy today.
SATIRE – Christian Radio DJ Keeps Experiencing Deja Vu Feeling That He Played These Exact Same Songs An Hour Ago
The Babylon Bee - Jul 12th 2022 6:13pm EDTLEBANON, KY — Local Christian radio DJ Jessie Korah, host of “Morning Trumpet” on 97.7FM Coastlands Radio, experiences constant feelings of déjà vu that the songs he’s broadcasting are the exact same ones he did just an hour before.
SATIRE – NASA Developing Even Larger Telescope To Photograph Your Mom
The Babylon Bee - Jul 12th 2022 6:04pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — NASA’s James Webb space telescope team has unveiled the farthest and most massive image of deep space ever captured. In light of the success of the program, NASA has announced they will be developing an even larger space telescope to capture a photograph of your mom.
SATIRE – White House Still Searching For A Biden They Can Send Out In Public
The Babylon Bee - Jul 12th 2022 4:44pm EDTWASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, senior White House aides are still searching for a Biden they can send out in public following recent gaffes and federal crimes committed by Joe, Jill, and Hunter Biden.
SATIRE – Study Shows U.S. 4th Graders Now Gay At A 12th-Grade Level
The Babylon Bee - Jul 12th 2022 3:06pm EDTBrought to you by: American Principles Project
SATIRE – How Jill Biden Describes Each Ethnicity
The Babylon Bee - Jul 12th 2022 2:40pm EDTJill Biden recently referred to Latino people as “Breakfast Tacos,” eschewing the more politically correct term, “Brxxkfst Txcxs.” Despite her faux pas, this isn’t the first time she’s used colorful language to describe some ethnicities. Here are most of the other times:
SATIRE – Polls Indicate More Breakfast Tacos Leaning Republican
The Babylon Bee - Jul 12th 2022 1:06pm EDTU.S. — According to recent polling data, the Americans described by Jill Biden as “breakfast tacos” are inexplicably switching to the Republican Party in record numbers.
SATIRE – Study Finds 100% Of Work Meetings Ever Held In Human History Have Been Entirely Unnecessary
The Babylon Bee - Jul 12th 2022 11:46am EDTPROVIDENCE, RI — According to the results of a new study conducted by Brown University, exactly 100% of work meetings ever held in all of human history, across all industries and sectors, have been entirely unnecessary.
SATIRE – Elon Musk Unveils The Tesla Model H Homeschooler Van That Will Fit All His Kids
The Babylon Bee - Jul 11th 2022 7:49pm EDTAUSTIN, TX — Tesla, Inc. added a van to its lineup of popular electric vehicles Monday with the unveiling of the new Model H. The full-size van, also known as The Homeschooler, is capable of fitting all nine of Elon Musk’s children inside without sacrificing comfort.