News From The Babylon Bee, Page 2

Kilmar Abrego Garcia Uses Frequent Flyer Miles To Take Killer Disney Vacation (Satire)

ORLANDO, FL — The much-publicized legal tug-of-war over his deportation finally paid off for illegal alien Kilmar Abrego Garcia, as he announced that he was using all the frequent flyer miles he racked up during the ordeal to take a killer Disney vacation.

Kilmar Abrego Garcia Uses Frequent Flyer Miles To Take Killer Disney Vacation (Satire)

ORLANDO, FL — The much-publicized legal tug-of-war over his deportation finally paid off for illegal alien Kilmar Abrego Garcia, as he announced that he was using all the frequent flyer miles he racked up during the ordeal to take a killer Disney vacation.

Jesus Kinda Bummed He Was Born On December 25 And Now His Birthday Will Be Overshadowed By Christmas Every Year (Satire)

CAPERNAUM — Reports surfaced this week that carpenter-turned-traveling teacher Jesus of Nazareth expressed disappointment with having to share a birthday with the biggest holiday of the year.

California Family Still Waiting For Permit To Build Gingerbread House (Satire)

PACIFIC PALISADES, CA — Bucking years of tradition, a family new to the California area had failed to build a single gingerbread house this Christmas season due to a backlog at the permit office.

Trump Worried Reports Of Venezuelan Oil Tanker Seizure Have Ruined The Surprise Of Melania’s Christmas Gift (Satire)

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump expressed concern that his wife, Melania, may now be aware of what he got her for Christmas after news reports surfaced that the U.S. military had seized a Venezuelan oil tanker this week.

Thinking About Going To Church? Here Are 10 Tips For Your First Sunday (Satire)

Attending a church for the first time can be a daunting experience. If this is the first time you’re attending church this Sunday, try not to stress too much about what it’ll be like to be in an entirely new place surrounded by people you don’t know. Just follow these handy tips, and you’ll be […]

US Military Persuades Entire Venezuelan Army To Surrender By Offering Them Some Food (Satire)

VENEZUELA — In a remarkable demonstration of martial superiority, the United States military just forced an unconditional surrender out of the entire Venezuelan army just by offering them some food.

Whoaa This B-List Actor Just Said Something Remotely Christian Whoaaaa (Satire)

WHOA now. WHOAAA.

Meaning Of Christmas Revealed To Actually Be Those Popcorn Tins With The Three Types Of Popcorn (Satire)

The meaning of Christmas has been officially revealed, and it’s all about those metal tins with three types of popcorn. Yep. Would you have guessed it?

Michigan Taps Marco Rubio As Interim Head Coach (Satire)

ANN ARBOR, MI — Just moments after news broke that the University of Michigan had fired head football coach Sherrone Moore with cause, Secretary of State Marco Rubio had been tapped as interim coach.

Report: Backs Of Cereal Boxes Have Really Gone Downhill (Satire)

U.S. — A recent report finds that the backs of cereal boxes have really gone downhill over the years, which is lame.

Jasmine Crockett Hits Campaign Trail To Axe For Votes (Satire)

HOUSTON, TX — Representative Jasmine Crockett has officially launched her Senate bid, immediately hitting the campaign trail to “axe for votes.”

23 Gifts The Wise Men Should Have Brought Instead (Satire)

Indianapolis Colts Debut New Trick Play Where Philip Rivers Fakes Handoff To Running Back Then Runs Off Field To Get Wife Pregnant Again (Satire)

INDIANAPOLIS, IN — The Indianapolis Colts unveiled a new trick play where quarterback Philip Rivers fakes a handoff, then jogs off the field to get his wife pregnant again.

Small Group Waits In Hushed Anticipation As Newlyweds Prepare To Offer Marriage Advice (Satire)

OLATHE, KS — A local church gathering was set to offer new insights into life that no one else had ever discovered before, as a small group waited in hushed anticipation, as newlyweds prepared to offer marriage advice to everyone else.

Life Hack: Trick A Lovely Lady Into Marrying You By Hiding Your Obsessive Hobby Until Alas It Is Too Late For Her (Satire)

Men, if you’re still looking for love we’ve got a sweet life hack for you today — trick a nice girl into marrying you by hiding your obsessive hobby until after you’ve tied the knot and she’s stuck with you.

13 Things Safer To Give Your Kids Than A Smartphone (Satire)

The kids are really begging for smartphones this Christmas, but we all know there are potential risks. In lieu of purchasing your child a smartphone, perhaps consider any of these 13 safer alternatives:

Kwanzaa Finally Revealed To Be Elaborate Prank On White People (Satire)

U.S. — In a corroboration of what many had long suspected, a new report finally confirmed that the holiday of Kwanzaa had been revealed to be an elaborate prank on white people.

Trump Announces Aid Package To Farmers To Help Them Deal With How Amazing Economy Is (Satire)

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A $12 billion aid package for the agricultural industry is designed to help American farmers cope with how good the economy is, President Trump announced Monday.

Judge Finds Luigi Mangione Too Stunningly Handsome And Gorgeous To Stand Trial (Satire)

NEW YORK, NY — In a shocking development in the case of a killer charged with murdering a health insurance executive, a New York judge found that Luigi Mangione was too stunningly handsome and gorgeous to stand trial.

Judge Finds Luigi Mangione Too Stunningly Handsome And Gorgeous To Stand Trial (Satire)

NEW YORK, NY — In a shocking development in the case of a killer charged with murdering a health insurance executive, a New York judge found that Luigi Mangione was too stunningly handsome and gorgeous to stand trial.

Pope Urges Jesus And Satan To Put All Their Differences Aside In The Name Of Peace (Satire)

VATICAN CITY — In the spirit of the Christmas season and as part of his ongoing quest to bring about widespread harmony throughout the world, Pope Leo XIV issued a proclamation urging Jesus and Satan to put all their differences aside in the name of peace.

Hollywood Announces Bold New Film Where An Evil Villain Is Just Evil And Not Misunderstood (Satire)

HOLLYWOOD, CA — In what is expected to be the season’s hottest new movie, filmmakers have unleashed an innovative take on storytelling in which the villain was not portrayed as being misunderstood but instead was just evil.

People Of Gondor Begin To Wonder If They Should Move Their Capital City Away From The Big Fiery Shadow Mountains Filled With Orcs (Satire)

KINGDOM OF GONDOR — The people of Gondor are beginning to wonder if they should move their capital city of Minas Tirith away from the big fiery shadow mountains filled with orcs that hate them and seem intent on killing them all.

Struggling New York Jets Sign Uncle Rico (Satire)

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — Rico Dynamite, a long-time Idaho resident and former high school starting quarterback for the Preston Indians, was reportedly signed by the New York Jets in a surprise deal that is sure to win them the championship.