NEW YORK, NY — The creative minds behind the long-running children’s television show Sesame Street have partnered with Hasbro to come up with what they believe will be this year’s hot new toy: the Transition Me Elmo doll.
GEORGETOWN, DE — A last-second settlement has been reached in Dominion Voting Systems’ historic defamation lawsuit against Fox News, in which the ultra right-wing news channel has agreed to pay the plaintiff 787 million CNN+’s.
HOUSTON, TX — After once clicking on a video about how to buy pants, local man Aiden Forrest has been condemned by social media algorithms to look at nothing for pants content for the rest of his days on this earth.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — To help recover losses from rampant, unprosecuted shoplifting in San Francisco, Walgreens is now letting customers round up their orders to help cover what was stolen that week.
ORLANDO, FL — As the feud continues between Ron DeSantis and the Disney corporation over what the Florida Governor calls Disney’s “grooming” behavior towards young children, Disney was forced to halt all operations after DeSantis’s administration built an elementary school within 1,000 feet of the theme park.
WILMINGTON, DE — In a stunning result that came much more quickly than observers expected, the 12-member jury in the Fox News-Dominion Software trial has voted in favor of Dominion by a count of 138,000 to 1.
PROVO, UT — A local member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints found himself experiencing an acute trial of faith recently. Following the controversy surrounding Bud Light’s support of trans activist Dylan Mulvaney, he wished he drank beer so he could join in the boycott of Bud Light.
One of the most heated and never-ending debates in America is that of gun control. Opponents of gun control cite the Second Amendment of the Constitution as the final word to end all discussion, whereas proponents of increased gun control scream really loud. It’s all so confusing!
ST LOUIS, MO — After suffering significant public relations and financial backlash after making trans activist and TikTok personality Dylan Mulvaney a spokesperson, parent company Anheuser-Busch is confident their new Bud Light commercial featuring a drag queen waving American flags will fix everything.
PATMOS — Owners of a local resort were left discouraged after John the Apostle left their establishment a decidedly negative 1-star review following his stay. The owners had hoped to generate some valuable word-of-mouth buzz after the Disciple Whom Jesus Loved was exiled there but now wondered how this blistering review may affect future business.
NEW YORK CITY, NY — After an introduction from Michael Che, trans rights activist Molly Kearney descended from the ceiling for her highly anticipated announcement of being both non-binary and non-funny.
KYIV — With Tax Day rapidly approaching, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky issued a helpful reminder to all American taxpayers of the importance of paying their taxes in a timely manner while tearing through the war-torn streets of Kyiv in a brand new Ferrari F430.
ST LOUIS, MO — As beer sales continue to plunge in the wake of Bud Light’s partnership with trans activist Dylan Mulvaney, Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth released a statement to entice customers to start buying Bud Light products again.
CHICAGO, IL — After Walmart announced plans to close 4 store locations in dangerous Chicago neighborhoods, Chicago Mayor-Elect Brandon Johnson issued a dire warning that this will leave many Chicagoans with fewer places to shoplift.
SAN FRANCISCO — Newlyweds Drew and Jessica Perry have begun searching in earnest across San Francisco for a nice, one-bedroom starter tent to begin married life together.
KNOXVILLE, TN — In a final attempt to rein in their worship leader, Knoxville’s Church on the Rock has instituted a pitch clock for all of the miniature sermons he tries to work in between songs.
HEAVEN — According to heavenly sources, Dave Ramsey will now be stationed outside of the pearly gates to judge people based on how well they stuck to their budget.
MANHATTAN, NY — District Attorney Alvin Bragg unsealed new charges today, now alleging that former President Donald Trump tossed Baby Penguin off of Cool, Cool Mountain.
MANHATTAN, NY — With The Super Mario Bros. Movie making over $377 million globally in its first weekend alone and a projected strong second weekend from positive word-of-mouth, the franchise kickoff is already shaping up into a juggernaut. The launch has hit a wrinkle in the form of John Leguizamo boycotting the movie over lack […]
MOAB, UT — A historic discovery was made today as a brave adventurer uncovered an internet article long thought to be lost forever underneath layers upon layers of pop-up ads, privacy policies, and newsletter sign-up appeals.
DUBLIN — Despite claims from conservative media pundits that President Joe Biden’s tour of Ireland was a disaster due to several verbal gaffes and nonsensical statements, a group of intoxicated Irishmen released a statement saying they were able to understand every word of what Biden said.
BOSTON, MA — Currency experts in both the public and private sectors are now warning all investors to shy away from buying cryptocurrency, declaring it a complex scam hidden beneath a financially precarious investment.
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT