LAGUNA NIGUEL, CA — A local TikTokker was left angry today after she was unable to achieve her goal of drawing attention from men at the gym, who she could then berate on camera and shame publicly on social media.
NEW YORK, NY — Pfizer Inc. dropped their new COVID variant and accompanying vaccine Thursday at midnight, much to the delight of CDC officials. The new vaccine is reportedly shown to be 90% effective against the COVID variant Pfizer created in their lab.
WOOSTER, OH — With egg prices soaring to historic highs, multi-billionaire Elon Musk has been dethroned as world’s richest after local farmer Old Man Hopkins reported that his New Hampshire Red — who he had named “Hen” — had surpassed Musk in net worth.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Speaker Kevin McCarthy announced he was demoting reps. Eric Swalwell and Adam Schiff from the powerful House Intelligence Committee to join Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on the lesser-known House Party Planning Committee. Their main focus will be planning birthday parties and seasonal potluck celebrations for the upcoming Congressional term.
SACRAMENTO, CA — After years of taxing California citizens to capacity and still not having enough in the state budget, Governor Gavin Newsom has proposed a brand new tax on people who live in Florida.
In a civilized society, people rely on the news media to keep them informed. It’s how we learn about things like crime, local interest stories, or what we should wear for the day. But what if your favorite news anchor has been lying to you? Not good!
CHAPPAQUA, NY — After revelations that former Presidents and Vice Presidents Joe Biden, Donald Trump, and even Mike Pence had violated federal law by keeping classified documents in their homes, Hillary Clinton took the opportunity to brag that she had kept no classified documents from her time serving as President of the United States.
CHICAGO, IL — Tragedy struck the world and billions of people suddenly and unexpectedly lost their lives as the iconic Doomsday Clock inadvertently sprung forward for daylight saving time, plunging the earth into unspeakable darkness and ushering in the end of humanity as we knew it.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Newly crowned Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy wasted no time fulfilling his promise to free the House Intelligence Committee from members caught up in lying or sleeping with Chinese spies, Representative Adam Schiff being chief among the affected members.
KANSAS CITY, MO — To cope with increasing challenges resulting from rising food shortages around the globe, popular family restaurant chain Cheesecake Factory has decided to cut its menu down to a paltry 32 pages.
VATICAN CITY — Black smoke was seen rising from the chimney of the world-famous Sistine Chapel as Pope Francis tossed another Bible into the fireplace to keep himself warm. According to sources, the pope’s penchant for Bible burning has led to a series of spiritual gaffes in which he appears to contradict biblical theology.
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — After several recent instances of mishandled classified document scandals from both former President Donald J. Trump and current President Joe Biden, former Vice President Mike Pence has turned himself in to his childhood scoutmaster after discovering he had kept a Boy Scouts Of America knot-tying manual he had borrowed.
U.S. — The Biden administration is facing pressure from labor activists following a report by the Labor Department that record-high unemployment has hit the talking candies sector. Many are saying this is due to Mars, Inc firing their M&M’s spokescandies and hiring Maya Rudolph instead.
Hey folks, Bernie Sanders here! I am once again asking for your support in eradicating systemic poverty from the face of the earth. America can do it, but we won’t because America is immoral and Elon Musk has all the money. Horrible! I have a simple ten-step plan that is foolproof — and I should […]
ALPHARETTA, GA — Expert analysts of evangelical career trajectories said today that they believe North Point Community Church pastor Andy Stanley is within three years of embracing full-blown atheism, including the frequent wearing of fedoras and use of the term “magical sky daddy.”
BARNSDALL, OK — According to sources, a local ranch has decided to go green, exchanging their massive herd of beef cows for a herd of more environmentally friendly and delicious crickets. Several witnesses were on the scene as they took their crickets out to graze in a nearby field.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — According to sources, Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi recently recruited several Catholic priests to exorcise her home of evil spirits, and as a result, has joined the Republican party.
LOS GATOS, CA — In a move celebrated by casual viewers but criticized by longtime fans of C.S. Lewis’s children’s book series The Chronicles Of Narnia, Netflix has released marketing materials confirming that The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe will feature the first-ever black White Witch.
ATLANTA, GA — The city of Atlanta is entering it’s second week of violent, fiery riots that have been organized and executed by just an idea. The riots were triggered days ago when activist Manuel Esteban Paez Terán was innocently murdered by thug cops after simply trying to kill them with his deadly idea-gun.
NEW YORK, NY — Jewish drag queen and 9/11 survivor Congressman George Santos is celebrating this week, having landed a lucrative endorsement deal with Whoppers Original Malted Milk Balls.
HARLINGEN, TX — Local man Gary Marmon climbed to the top of The Forbes 400 after it was revealed he possessed both Taylor Swift tickets and a dozen eggs. Marmon beat out former richest man Elon Musk, who called the newcomer a beacon of inspiration.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In recognition of Biden’s tremendous accomplishment of going one full day without more classified documents found at one of his residences, the White House has proudly hung a banner saying: “1 Day Without Classified Documents Being Discovered At President’s House.”
NEW YORK, NY — In response to an involuntary manslaughter charge stemming from a tragic shooting on the set of the movie Rust, Alec Baldwin’s attorneys have announced that their client plans to enter a plea of “Democrat.”
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT