COSTA MESA, CA — A local pastor was left embarrassed last weekend after proclaiming “Jesus was all about inclusion!” in his sermon, as it was later revealed he had actually been confusing Jesus with Satan the entire time.
SMYRNA, DE — Biden is once again embroiled in scandal after yet another box of his classified documents was found on the clearance shelf of a local Walmart.
If you’ve been to church lately, you have probably noticed that the so-called “order of worship” really serves as more of a vague set of suggestions. Here, we present to you a more realistic order of worship, in all its glory:
WITTENBERG – Congregant of the church in Wittenberg have expressed frustration that Martin Luther nailed his list of ninety-five theses to the door in lieu of using the church’s suggestion box.
YOUNTVILLE, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom has found himself once again mired in scandal, this time after being caught dining on eggs cooked on a gas stove at the French Laundry.
NEW YORK, NY — Peloton has released an innovative new laundry rack that looks exactly like their original exercise bike, for the low cost of five hundred dollars.
OMAHA, NE — While the nationwide labor shortage has been widely reported, one local Chick-Fil-A has suffered from an acute need for more workers. The store manager for the Omaha location says his location is staffed well below the nationwide average, with only 68 people working his drive-thru line.
U.S. — According to several reports, everyone from your Jr. High class still thinks about that one time you forgot to zip up your fly, and they laugh about it every single day.
BARTLESVILLE, OK — Local sinners Don and Cecily Whitewash were “shaken to the core” Friday after coming to the realization that their children were growing up to be just like them: sinners.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has been spotted in town after hearing the proposed payment of $5 million in reparations for all black people. The otherwise pasty, white Prime Minister appeared to have painted his entire body with black paint.
MOBILE, AL — The Second Baptist community was in shock last Sunday after setting a record for the shortest Black church service in history. The service, which lasted just four hours and fifty-two minutes, was led by the church’s new pastor, Rev. Ralph Washington Jenkins.
WELLS, NV — After hearing a strange clicking sound emanating from his 2013 Ford Taurus, local man Derrick Snodgram popped the car’s hood, thus exhausting his knowledge of how cars work.
WOODLAKE, VA — Local wife Victoria Crab phoned her husband in the early evening Thursday to see if he could run by the store real quick on his way home from work so he could grab a couple thousand items.
DURHAM, NC — Local man Jeremy Clams became bedridden Tuesday after a flu virus brutally assaulted his body with a sore throat, coughing, some body aches, and even a mild fever. “This is the worst pain any human has ever felt,” he told his wife Sally, who previously pushed three whole children out of her […]
DAVOS — While at the World Economic Forum, rightful President Al Gore delivered a stern warning on climate change, saying the world will not make it past the year 2012 if something isn’t done immediately.
BOZEMAN, MT — This week, local man Jeff Jefferson lost an estimated 30 minutes of his wife’s attention while showing her a new TV program after she became distracted with each new character introduction and began furiously Googling them to remember where she had seen them before, on other shows or films.
CAIRO — Shockwaves reverberated throughout Egypt today as an international court officially ruled the nation must begin making payments of financial reparations to Israel for hundreds of years of slavery in ancient times.
PHILADELPHIA, PA — NHL star Ivan Provorov declined to participate in the Philadelphia Flyers’ Pride Night or wear a rainbow-colored jersey, saying if he wanted to support the gay agenda he would have played soccer instead of hockey.
ST PAUL, MN — Local second grader Tim Bumbly has been suspended from Rosa Parks 1619 Obama Elementary for repeatedly misgendering one of the M&M’s candies he received in his lunch.
Have you been wondering why so many people are suddenly collapsing? Well, it’s definitely not in any way related to that one thing, that’s for sure! The world’s top experts have been hard at work studying what could cause this uptick in deaths.
TAMPA BAY, FL — In a moving press conference following a crushing loss to the Dallas Cowboys, quarterback Tom Brady said how thankful he was to have given up life with a supermodel wife and three beautiful children to lose in the first round of playoffs.
U.S. — The Department of Justice has announced that anyone found to have pre-ordered the upcoming Harry Potter franchise game Hogwarts Legacy will be added to an anti-trans watchlist.
Being alive is hard. If you don’t eat, you die. But, if you eat the wrong thing, you also die. So be careful out there, friends. What you’re eating might be literally killing you!
- Aug 9th 2025 5:17pm EDT